Top 5 Hot Pieces of 2009

As 2009 comes to end, it's time to reflect. This is my top 5 list of hot pieces of 2009.

James Franco



Why? For going on General Hospital for the fuck of it, working towards his MFA in writing, and putting on a kick ass Christmas show on SNL. –The sexiest episode of the year.

Aziz Ansari



He is hilarious, absolutely adorable, and inspiration for all brown kids that grew up in the Deep South that one day despite what we were told growing up in this area, we, too, can make it big.


Jack White



The dude is a workaholic, but not the kind that shuffles half asleep into the office and puts together shitty work. He delivers every time. Accomplishments of 2009: The Dead Weather, a phenomenal album, and the rockumentary, It Might Get Loud.

Jonathan Rhy-Meyer


Nobody plays King Henry VIII like this mother fucker.

Bill Clinton



Charismatic. Diplomatic. Peace negotiator. The former prez is still mad sexy in sixties.

Strange- (n.) sex outside your current relationship

The rumors surrounding Tiger Woods and his speculated strange launched a discussion this morning in class about cheating.

I said matter-of-factly, “Who cares? Everybody cheats.”

This caused some classmates to attempt to decapitate me with their stares of disdain and disgust, but I stand to my previous claim: Cheating happens. I’m not saying 100 percent of the population does it, but I speculate that nearly most of the Western population, in particular, has at one point cheated.

It’s part of our fiber as a neoliberal society. Cheating on our significant other only fulfills our quest to maximize profit while minimizing expenditure.

And it’s only called cheating if you get caught. (Think about the financial scandals such as Madoff and Enron. These “cheaters” were only functioning off the principles of capitalism as their primary motivations to gain profit.)

Think about it.

I must clarify that I’m not talking about having two significant others at the very same time. Like the grandmother, who upon her dear beloved husband’s death, finds out that the son of a bitch had another family in the next town for the last 40 years. Even I can say that’s fucked up.

I’m talking about the one night strange.

This strange is like a shirt you find at the discount rack at an outlet store. It’s not quite what you want to wear every day, a little irregular at times, and definitely not like the shirt you love at home, but the key difference is that it’s NOT the shirt you have at home. So, you try it on once… or twice.

How could you pass up such a good looking piece of clothing that’s half the price of the shirt you have to maintain at home every single day? Easy and cheap! –This is what we, as neoliberalists, live for!

In the same vein, when the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund strategically prevent developing countries from improving their infrastructure and independence, this kind of exploitation is also cheating. The goal is to maximize gain while minimizing loss even if it’s at the expense of others.

Most ignore the significance of these fraudulent acts that affect millions, but instead focus on marriage infidelities, like Tiger's situation, which only affects his family.

Why are neoliberal principles acceptable in some situations and not in others? Strange… Strange, indeed.

As a neoliberal society, we want discounts. We want more, more, more. The more the better! This mentality doesn’t stop at material goods; it extends into our human relationships.

Strange is just one little part of our everyday lives that are full of manipulation for profit (commercials, branding, mass consumption, the alleged emotional comfort of inanimate objects, and materialism).

Likewise, discount pussy means more pussy at a lower rate than the old original pussy you’ve used over and over again. New pussy gain with as little personal investment as possible is like venture capitalism if you think about it.

Getting something for nothing (or nearly nothing) makes you the biggest player (neoliberal capitalist) on the block.

Nothing strange about that, folks. Look around you.

Nothing Tastes as Good as Skinny Feels

When an interviewer asked Kate Moss what mottos she uses in everyday life, she replied with the “controversial” statement: "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels", which caused a media tirade against the model.

The chick that made millions for being particularly androgynously skinny and starting the heroin chic trend is catching heat for this statement?

Skinny feels good, people. -Especially if it lets you roll around in millions of dollars. (AND if it enabled you the stardom to meet and date Johnny Depp, who I imagine feels really good.)

It’s her job to be skinny. She was made a millionaire for being skinny. But the minute she states the obvious. -That’s she’s fucking skinny. We are ready to burn her at the stake. The modeling industry calls for skinny girls and Moss is just doing her job. To help her remember that she was made one rich bitch for being thin, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” is the motto she tells herself.

Skinny does feel good. Industrialized nations are ridden with an obesity epidemic. Americans are lazy and fat with cardiovascular disease and diabetes. So, skinny feels really good in physical terms.

I adore Kate Moss. She is the fashion icon of the century. Photographers camp outside of her house just to take a photo of what she’s wearing for the day. She’s the rock star of the modeling world and says whatever she feels and in this case, whatever is the obvious truth. If you want to be a model like Kate Moss, you have to be skinny. Just like if I want to be an Olympic gold Track star, I need to run fast. Or if I want to be a mathematician, I better know how to add.

To be skinny, or thin, which is may be a less offensive term, is hard. It’s easy to sit around and eat whatever the fuck you want and to never work out, but it is unhealthy. That’s the truth. Is it healthy to be anorexic? No, it’s not either.

Did Moss suggest that everyone should be as thin as she? I don’t think so.

What is most important is to be comfortable with your own body. Blasting a supermodel for how she feels about her body is not the point. Blaming her for millions of teenage girls that aspire to be skinny like her is not the point. The problem with women (including teens) is lack of self-esteem and self-acceptance. Who the fuck cares what a skinny British model thinks about being skinny if you’ve accepted who you are.

What to Expect When Dating a Narcissist

(Marlon Brando- A famous narcissist)

I’ve dated narcissists. I would say every fifth guy I get involved with is one. A lot of the time a narcissist is an insanely great looking guy with charisma so captivating you are hardly aware of his egotistical self-centered agenda at first.

I have never been one to turn my back on a pretty face. So, I often get in relationships with these guys. These “relationships” never last because no matter how hot a guy is, some chick somewhere is tired of banging him (especially if he’s an arrogant prick.)

These are the kinds of things to expect when dating a narcissist.

1. You will never come first.
Girl, you won't even come second. Third. Or fourth. He is so tremendously important in his universe he will be the top four priorities in his life. He is physically, emotionally, psychologically, and physiologically incapable of even considering you and your needs.

2. He will belittle your attributes.
This behavior does not exhibit itself initially, but expect a denigration of your attributes at some point in your relationship. At first, you are beautiful, smart, witty, and everything he ever wanted. After some time, he will downplay your attributes and even group you into an overarching group of hot and intelligent women. "You're not that special. All hot women have this and this and do that and that." You were once uniquely awesome, but now you are ordinary. He will tell you that he's had dime pieces like you all his life and that you are not even in the top five.

3. He will compete with you.
The competition will span from looks to work achievements to where you went to undergrad to how many miles you ran at the gym. You will find yourself somehow entered into ridiculous competitions that he must always win.

4. He is a powerful omniscient being.

It doesn't matter if you are a neurosurgeon and he is a gas station attendant, he will tell you the proper way to perform a craniotomy. No fucking joke.

5. You are lucky to be with him.
Regardless of how shitty he treats you, he will tell you repeatedly a higher power has blessed you with his presence in your life.

These guys are often painfully beautiful and even endearing at first. Their charm can be smothering at times.

But these dudes should only be used and then quickly discarded. Trust me.

Sex, Love, and the Morning After

Girls make this mistake time and time again. The same shit happens every Friday night with the same realization every Monday morning, but chicks always give it one more try just in case the dude is different.

Good luck with that.

Sex is not love. Love is not sex. In my case, if I’ve slept with a guy, I probably don’t love him. And if I haven’t slept with a guy in my life, I probably consider him the love of my life. (Something like that.)

But the point is, chicks: if you fuck a guy, it means absolutely nothing. Nothing. Zilch. He ain’t your boyfriend the next morning. So many girls are stranded in the dark ages of the 1950’s and whole-heartedly think that having sex brings the relationship to a new level. That this “step” signifies to the dude that the relationship is meaningful and that they are now committed.

I always hear, “But we had sex…”

My response: And? So? Your point?

After you sleep with a dude, this does not mean you two are going steady.

Wake the fuck up.

If you can’t handle the fuck, get the hell out of the bedroom (or backseat, bathroom stall, kitchen table or whatever the fuck it is you decided to let him blow his load on you).

Just wait. Wait until the guy says (sober) that he is committed to you. Then fuck him. This will cut down on all the instances where you thought a guy really cared about you, but was really only trying to fuck you to pass the time. It will not eliminate these guys completely in your life by any means, but it may decrease the times you feel used by at least twenty percent.

I hate to say it, but romance is dead. -Brutally murdered by easy access pornography, detached digital communication, the decreased attention span spurred by MTV videos and sound bites, mass consumption, and mass disposal.

We are a disposal society. We use something, toss it, and then get a new one. Simple. Modern sexual relations are the same way. Sorry. We’ll trade you in for something better, fresher, and newer, if we don’t really love you.

So, please don’t confuse a late night fuck with something meaningful in your life. Love and sex are not the same things. If you hold sex near and dear to your heart as something beautiful and special, for the love of god, please don’t fuck a guy until he commits to you. You will only spend most of your time crying on the phone with your girlfriends.

And those of us chicks who got the fucking memo in 1997 are tired of hearing you cry.

So, dry your eyes. Keep your pants on. And have a good night.

*(As an afterthought: I've met some guys who are stage five clingers, too. This post goes for both dudes and chicks.)

30 Days

It takes 30 days to break a habit. And a relationship is, in essence, a habit. A nasty habit depending on your significant other. Or a sweet habit depending on how drugged and intoxicated you were through most of the relationship. (A joke… Kind of.)

In any case, most people get overwhelmed with the idea of getting over someone like it’s an enormous feat. It isn’t. Your ex is like heroin. An addiction.

Heroin addicts don’t get over their addictions by hanging out with heroin everyday. So, don’t get chummy with your ex after you’ve broken up.

To get over your ex, all you have to do is completely change the routine you had with him/her for 30 days. This means: No contact. No texting. No e-mailing. No driving by their houses. (Yes. Some of you do this.) Nothing. Stop it.

This also means: if you two watched some stupid show like, American Idol, together, you have to take a break from pretty boy, Ryan Seacrest, for a month, too. Change your routine completely. You have to get clean and rid yourself of your old habit.

Now, a sure way to accelerate this process is to get a new companion. A rebound. You will then be too busy dealing with this new asshole’s routine, idiosyncrasies, and quirks that you will forget all about your ex.

The thing about the rebound is that it is an extremely time sensitive arrangement. You can only keep him/her for a month. Month and a half at most. You were in such a vulnerable state when you inducted the rebound in your life that you could easily get blind-sided with a whole new committed relationship with another douche bag.

Moreover, you have to stay with the new douche for the entire 30 days. You have to be careful. Don't switch out the rebound too early. I am known for my impatience and have not always fully followed through with the 30 day plan with a rebound.

Hence, I’m currently on my sixth.

All bullshitting aside... Seriously, this shit works. It’s like magic.

Good luck!

The Break Up Text and The Facebook Dump

A relationship that lives by text, dies by text.

I was told that breaking up via text was ill-mannered, rude, and cruel. I only give as much in a relationship as I get in return. If I happened to break it off with you through a nice short text, you probably had that shit coming to you. I might.. MIGHT explain myself further through e-mail and that's only so I don't have to hash it out in person. I'm better... Let's say "nicer" on paper (or LCD screen in this case) than I am in person, if you treated me like shit.

I don't get what the big deal is. The boys that were genuine and truly caring to me get actual face to face conversations or maybe even a follow up phone call after it's all said in done. But the dickheads, the narcissists, the assholes, the douche bags... Sorry. You gave me a pile a shit and I'm giving it right back in a nice digital package. If most of our relationship entailed bullshit text messages, then why not end it with the same kind of digital bullshit. For example:

"Not working out. Take care!"

"Can't do this anymore. Take care!"

"Please don't call me ever again. Take care!"

"I'll alwyz luv u, but can't be with u anymore. Take care!"

"Need space. Take care."

"FYI: We r over. Take care!"

Always end these break up texts with, "Take care!", because that's a sweet little way of saying "Fuck you!"

I am a pro at the break up text. However, I have yet to do the facebook dump. This is the new phenomenon where you change your relationship status on facebook before you tell your significant other it's over. This is the new and improved Oprah dump. (I'm referring to when Matt Damon told Oprah he broke up with Minnie Driver before he actually told poor Minnie; she found out watching the show.)

Your ex-significant other logs onto Facebook and finds that you have changed your relationship status to single. You do not inform him/her; you just let him/her figure it out that it's over. What a sweetie!

Welcome to the digital age of dating.

Take care!

The First Husbands Club

Johnny Lee Miller was Angelina Jolie's First Husband

I’m an old maid. I’ve been told this time and time again. I’m nearly 31 and not married. I dodged a few engagements and have remained matrimonially unchained. But what bothers me the most is that time is eking by and I have still not chosen my first husband.

First Husband? Yes. Starter Husband. -The equivalent to the first wife. -First wives club. You know what I’m referring to. I don’t have a current husband who will later become my first husband when my younger and sprightlier second husband comes along knocking him off his throne.

When I get my shit together, start publishing more of my work, move to LA to further exploit myself as a writer of any shape or form, and then finally, FINALLY get my break, I need my first husband there to tearfully recount to Larry King years later what, when, where, how, why, and who I dumped him for.

Don’t get me wrong! My first husband will get properly compensated, of course. He would be the dutiful spouse through all the years of struggle and sweat that cleaned up the house before I had a housekeeper, tended to the kids before I had nannies, and barely ever saw me because I was too busy "working". It will be a win, win situation. I’ll throw him a nice severance package and maybe let him keep my last name. (That’s right. I’m not changing my surname for anyone.)

But time is ticking! And most guys look at a girl like me in my age range and think: “She’s looking for a lifetime commitment!” No, honey, I’m just looking for a commitment until I get a regular gig writing on Lifetime… or any other network that will take me.

That's my goal for my 32nd birthday: find my first husband/ starter husband before my second younger husband comes along. How can you appreciate your second round of golf, if you have never had a first?

And one of my ex-boyfriends recently told me I was cold-hearted... I don't get it.

Five Things Not to Say to a Girl Unless You Truly Mean It

"Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off." -Natalie Portman's character in Closer.

"Lying is the most fun a guy can have in hopes of taking his clothes off." -Me.

I took some time this weekend to reminisce over past relationships, since yet again another one bit the dust... hard. I mean that shit died, reincarnated, and died again by decapitation. At any rate, I compiled a list of five things to not say to a girl unless you truly mean it. I suppose this list can be applied to women, as well and I’m sure some guy out there can cite me for committing one of these transgressions.

I. I love you.

This is number one simply because this statement is bad enough as it is when not heartfelt and exponentially egregious in combination with any other statement on the list. Only say this shit if you really mean it.

Even if you feel it and want to impulsively say it. Just wait. Wait long and hard. Wait until you have seen your ex girlfriend again and have sorted out your feelings. Wait until you've slept with your new girlfriend enough times to accept that she may be the only one you're going to hit for a long, long, long time.

When all that has happened and you've sat and had a long talk about your feelings with yourself, then you can say it. But you better mean it, dickhead.

2. I want to marry you.

Only say this without having any love feelings if you are looking for a green card. And only say this after you have imagined her 30 years older, fatter, and grumpier. Uh huh. That's what I said. Then this statement is permissible.

3. I miss you.

Don't get on your little texting apparatus and send girls this shit if you don't mean it. If you missed us so damn much, then why are you not with us? Long distance relationships are another thing, but when you live in the same damn 10 mile radius, it just sounds fishy, son.

4. I just know you're the one for me.

Wait until your dick isn't hard, the lights are on, and you are not drunk. Step away from the girl. Sit four feet away from her in a well lit room to remind yourself that this is a real person who is listening to whatever bullshit you are telling her. Then think about if you really mean that shit. That's all I ask, ok?

5. I will always love you.

You're not fucking Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard, so stop the melodrama. We don't need you to give us trite statements about how your love for us is so deep and profound that it will last for all time. Unless you plan to live a life like the dude in Love in the Time of Cholera who waited for that chick, shut the fuck up.

This post is meant to be tongue in cheek. Like keep your damn tongue in your cheek if you are unsure or iffy about any of these statements.

There are a number of lies out there that any decent human being says to his or her mate, but these are the 5 most obnoxious statements often said fleetingly that are really annoying.

The Shackles of Domesticity

I have a penchant for carrying on in longtime meaningless relationships and an accompanying habit of flying through short ephemeral meaningful ones.

I like love in movies. Stories of fantastic meetings, falling helplessly in love while on some reckless misadventure. Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist. Before Sunrise. Or the love that is deeply rooted in destiny that any chaos will not disrupt the fated course. Serendipity. Amelie. Even stories of love so profound and full of tragedy. Romeo and Juliet. Closer.

It’s the every day. The mundane. The ordinary that bores me. The: Who’s turn is it to wash the dishes? Why didn’t you call me back? What do you want to have for dinner tonight? I’m going to bed early; I’m tired.

Boring.

I like the beginnings. Love stories are always about the beginnings and the ends of relationships. The thrill of someone new. The ache of someone lost. These are the stories that move us.

These are the only relationships I tend to have and thrive on. It’s the clichéd boredom in the middle that makes me want to stab myself to shake me out of the monotony.

I’m hot or cold. Fast or slow. Depending on who you are to me.

I fall in love every two weeks. I tend to meet people easily. I tend to connect with people wildly and unrestrained. Hence, the falling in love. Hence, the every two weeks. It must be because my love for movies. For stories. Romantic heedless ones. Hapless lovers crossing paths unexpectedly and falling in love fast and free.

Or I might just have ADHD.

Pretty Boys will be the Downfall of Me

My boy companion and I watched some quality television programming last night, TMZ. They were showing some footage of Jessica Alba walking her dog or something.

He turned to me in a confessional voice and said, “Even if I was married, if I had a chance, I’d have sex with Jessica Alba.”

I turned to him and said with an even graver, sterner voice, “That’s it? Just her? My list is like 35 people.”

Needless to say, the convo ended abruptly right there. I recall he looked at me like I was crazy. Maybe I am. I suspect that other girls… -Girls not easily enchanted by good looking men might have been aghast at his statement or even report maybe one or two people on their “ultimate list.” Not me. I’m not a normal girl.

And here is my list of 35 top guys worth risking a marriage for.

1. Keanu Reeves
2. Jack White
3. Adrien Brody
4. Christian Bale
5. Joaquin Phoenix
6. Paul Walker
7. George Clooney
8. Zac Efron
9. John Mayer
10. David Beckham
11. A certain Charleston musician
12. Kal Penn (Kumar)
13. Rob Marciano (the best meteorologist in the universe)
14. Jason Schwartzman
15. Robert Schwartzman (lead singer of Rooney and brother of #14)
16. Owen and Luke Wilson
17. Nico Stai (musician from LA)
18. Billy Joe
19. Brandon Flowers
20. Gavin Rossdale
21. Vince Vaughn
22. Matt Damon
23. Adrien Grenier
24. Bill Clinton
25. A certain artist based in the SF Bay
26. Cristiano Ronaldo
27. The Jonas Brothers
28. Shia LaBeaouf
29. Rob Pattison
30. Jimmy Fallon
31. James McAvoy
32. Ewan McGregor
33. Hayden Christiansen
34. Topher Grace
35. Danny Masterson

I suggest writing out your own ultimate lists and present them to your significant others. My only suggestion is to maybe leave out actual people you know. Like if you have a hankering for your man’s best friend, go ahead and keep that to yourself.

The Frenemy

I read somewhere in some chick mag that the frenemy phenomenon is an unavoidable part of life for a woman. (Frenemy is the clever smashing together of the words, friend and enemy.) The article went on to describe Gwyneth Paltrow’s experience with her alleged best frenemy, Winona Ryder. Poor Gwyneth, but we are yet to hear Ryder’s point of view.

In any case, you know what? As a way to kick off my 31st birthday, I eliminated all the frenemies in my life. Girlfriends that are passive aggressive, conniving, manipulative, back-stabbing, shit talking, controlling, and jealous will no longer be part of my close knit friendship network. If women were to actually de-friend all their frenemies they would be left with only a handful of girlfriends on their facebook/myspace/real life friend database. So, instead, we will call these women that are only friends with you to talk shit about you behind your back or even passive aggressively in your face, acquaintance enemies.

Because a friend. –A real friend by definition does not try to fuck you over and doesn’t laugh at your disappointments and short-comings in life. A person who does this is surely your enemy. The extraction of these chicks in my everyday life has freed my time up to attend to other stress free activities. There is no drama. There are no hurt feelings. There are no countless hours spent talking to my real friends about why she did this? Or why did she say that? Or why is she so mean to me?

It is the jealous nature of women that steered me to seek friendships in men, who are less dramatic, less back-stabbing, and rarely if ever, passive aggressive. Passive aggression is the cowardly, pussy way of being aggressive. Either own up to being a bitch or don’t be one, but don’t be a bitch disguised in sugary sweet bullshit.

A senior stock broker, a fast-talking New York City Jewish playboy, I once worked for one long summer in San Francisco would tell me almost everyday to motivate me, “Lift up your skirt. Grab your balls. And be a man.”

Wherever he is, I will make him proud.

So, with my massive imaginary balls in hand, I want to tell all the frenemies I have acquired throughout my thirty-one years of life,

Suck it.

Get over Yourself. You're not that Special.

Part 2: She's not a psycho bitch. She just really likes you.

I grew up with an older brother and have always felt more comfortable with boys. I have more guy friends than girl friends. Some have said that I'm like a gay guy stuck in a chick's body. Awesome. Well put. I couldn’t have better summed up my personality myself.

In our special bonding "guy time" playing video games, getting drunk, going to strip clubs, and watching porn, I have heard a fair share of stories about crazy psycho bitches.

There is something that you guys don't realize. She's not a psycho bitch. She just really likes you.

Take the same behavior of some crazy psycho bitch in your life. Now, imagine some incredibly hot chick that you want to marry, is doing the same psycho shit. It isn't so psycho anymore, is it? Nope. Now, that crazy psycho shit is cute.

Don't get me wrong. There are real bona fide crazy psycho bitches out there. The ones that boil your pet bunny or get knocked up to trap you. They are out there, boys. So beware! But I'm talking about the girls that like you, but you don't like them. But they continue to do things as if you did like them.

When a chick you like calls you or texts you periodically throughout the day, you love that shit. You eat that shit up, but when a chick you don't like texts you once in 7 days, she is stalking you! She won't get off your back. You are irritated at this psycho bitch that won’t give you space.

And do you blame girls? Take it easy on them. Remember, most girls (98% of the population) don't have sex to have sex. They have sex to feel close to someone... anyone. And when you fuck them and plan to never speak to them again, even if it was just one time, even if you don't even know her last name, even if you plan on leaving the country two hours after the lay, she will feel hurt. She will want an explanation. She will be outright devastated, crying to her girlfriends, "What does it all mean?"

So remember this, dudes, when you are out and about in the dating world: Is a quick and easy lay worth it? (Most importantly, keep in mind that 98% of the time, there is no such thing as a quick and easy lay to begin with.)

And for chicks: stop having sex with dudes that don't give you a commitment beforehand, if what you want is a commitment.

Get over Yourself. You're not that Special.

After a particularly drama-filled month of relationship crimes and misdemeanors from the lives of several of my friends (women and men), I decided to give you all my own valuable advice in written form for you to cherish and ruminate over time and time again. This is part one of the two part series, Get Over Yourself. You’re not that Special.

Part 1: He’s Not an Asshole. He Just Doesn’t Like You.

IF A DUDE ACTS LIKE HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU, HE DOESN’T.

Many of you may think that my advice is based on that incredibly redundant chick lit book, He's Not That into You, but it doesn't take a neurosurgeon with a doctorate in psychology to figure out human interactions. It just takes common sense.

Women congregate all over the world to discuss, analyze, and agonize over some dude's every move. Asking each other:

What do you think it means when he doesn't call?

Why doesn't he answer my texts?

Why doesn't he make time for me in his schedule?

Why does he ignore me in public?

Why did he get a restraining order against me?

There are numerous variations to these questions, but the same answer remains. He doesn't like you.

If a dude acts like he doesn't dig you, he damn well doesn't. Period.

Men are not mysterious. They are hunters. If they want you, trust me you will know. If they do any number of things that hurt you, make you cry, make you feel unwanted, or make you feel like he doesn't care for you, then he probably doesn't.

He's not an asshole. Moreover, he's just an asshole... to you.

Same principle applies to women. I've been accused of being a raging bitch. I'm not a bitch; I just didn't like you enough to consider you when I made decisions or acted on my impulses. Simple. Sorry. It's true.

This is the important aspect of this advice: he/she may like you, but not enough if you are crying/whining about why he/she doesn't do this or doesn't do that, or does this or does that. If they are not doing things that make you feel wanted, get the fuck out of there. Fuck them! (Not literally though because that’s probably what got you in this situation in the first place.)

The important question to ask yourself is: Why the hell would you want to be with someone who gives a half ass attempt to win your affection anyway?

Top 5 Under 25

School is back in session. As a tribute to all the young twenty something boys crawling around this tiny town, jam-packed with students from Medical University of South Carolina, College of Charleston, Charleston School of Law, et. al, I bring you my top five under 25.

I love this town. I keep getting older and the boys stay the same age.

Welcome back!

1. Cristiano Ronaldo- Age: 24. Height: 6'1"
He plays soccer or something. Who cares, right? Keep it up, kid. Whatever helps you look like this.


2. Zac Efron -Age: 21 Height: 5'10"
So pretty.



3. Emile Hirsch- Age: 24 Height: 5'7"


4. Robert Pattison- Age: 23 Height: 6'1"
Hate to be trite, but dude deserves recognition.


5. Joe Jonas -Age: 20 Height: 5'9"
Purity ring my ass.

Michael Vick, the NFL and domestic abuse, and hot soccer players

I can’t believe I’m revisiting this issue. I’m the last person on earth to give a fuck about football, NFL, or sports of any kind unless you are talking about soccer (globally known as football unless you are in the States). This kind of football is tolerable because it features lean pretty boys who dance around a field.

For example: Cristiano Ronaldo (pictured above), Beckham (of course), Fabio Cannavaro, and lots of others. In any case, I’m here to plead Michael Vick’s case… again.

Facts: Michael Vick was involved in the abuse of animals. Yes. Michael Vick served his time for this offense. Yes.

Facts: The NFL employs a number of players that were involved in domestic abuse and various other criminal acts.

Of 451 incidents since 2000, 128 were drunken-driving charges. Most common NFL charges:
DUIs – 28 percent
Disorderly conduct/assaults/fighting: 21 percent
Domestic violence-related: 15 percent
Drug-related: 13 percent
Gun-related: 8 percent

Here is a link to an article discussing the NFL and domestic abuse. http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08072/864335-66.stm

Read it or don’t read it. I don’t care.

I’m not saying animal abuse is okay. I’m saying that Vick served his time. He should be given a chance. Did he abuse humans? No.

There are millions of atrocities done to humans worldwide. Rape, murder, brutality, disfigurement, fear, war, oppression, starvation, manipulation…. And Americans are up in arms over dog fights. That’s fine, but look at the world with a larger viewfinder, there are other NFL players (and world leaders and institutions) that have done worse against humans.

He has served his time. Let the man play. Let's be fair for once.

Humans will evolve (or regress) into Blackberries or iPhones

I predict that humans will divide themselves into two kinds of handheld portable multi-media groups: Blackberries and iPhones. You may be thinking that this idea is preposterous. Maybe you currently don't even have a smart phone. Maybe you don't even text all that much or even have your cell phone on all the time, but look around you. The multi-faceted digital media (re)volution is at its beginning.

The Federal Communications Commission sold a large swath of airwaves for 17.5 billion dollars to cell phone companies. This is true. Yes. This is true. The change over from analog television to digital television has nothing to do with providing America with better quality television. It has everything to do with money. There wasn't enough space for analog television anymore once the airwaves were turned over to the cell phone empires. Hence, forced digital television for all.

It was once thought that airwaves were free. They belonged to the people. When we were too busy plugged into our various media outlets or working to buy our status branding Manolos or to pay for our huge mortgages on large homes we don't really need, our government sold our airwaves and only offered a redeemable coupon for a digital converter for those few of us who still watch television with bunny ears. Lucky us.

As a citizen of this country, where is my cut? Those were my airwaves, too. I want a piece of that $17.5 billion. Instead, this is what we are getting. The cell phone companies are using that money to advertise (manipulate -whatever you want to call it) us into using our cell phones as our primary media source.

It's working.

Apple just released its third quarter earnings last night: $8.34 billion, a 12 percent increase from last year. Apple sold 5.2 million iPhones, a 626 percent leap from a year ago.

The iPhone, I argue, is the main competitor of the Blackberry, dividing most Americans into Blackberries or iPhones. For those of you who have Trios or other smart phones, I predict that these will never catch on like the Blackberry or the iPhone and will die off due to natural (consumer) selection (or mass market appeal driven by clever marketing and relentless advertising.)

In my research (very limited research and not based on any kind of scientific rigor, but my own self-serving observations solely assembled to write this blog), the Blackberry and iPhone have contrasting personalities, which will divide us as a human race.

The Blackberry person is pragmatic and uses their phone for practical matters: keeping up with their appointments, listening to NPR news updates, and paying for their bills. These tend to be the older counterparts of our cohort (the late twenties to early thirties bunch.)

Now, the iPhoners, are the hipsters of the digital handheld revolution. They want to look cool and be cool. Appointments? What are those? News? They use their iPhones to facebook-on-the-go. These are the kids that grew up with e-mail and the internet, while those of us born in the seventies, remember undergrad in the late 90's when we were honestly skeptical of this "e-mail" when it was introduced to us.

I'm not saying my categorization is based on hard and fast rules. It's not based on anything. I'm pretty much just bullshitting for the hell of it.

Be ready. We will all be plugged in. Newspapers, the kind we actually hold, will be obsolete; we will get this on our phones. Communication as we know it will be a series of ones and zeros transmitted through our phones by e-mailing, texting, and rarely, if ever, actually verbal conversation. We will watch our favorite television shows at ease on our tiny screens. Relationships will live and die through our handhelds. Who we really are will be lost in our on-line plugged-in persona.

All the while, the cell phone empires will grow and grow controlling our means of communication, acquiring information, and ultimately how we socialize with each other.

You will either be a Blackberry or an iPhone. If not, you will fall off the face of this Earth, at least to the rest of us, plugged-in people, for that matter.

Let Vick Play

Give me a break. Let Michael Vick play in the NFL. Let him return to his career after he has served his time. This is an example of the problems with the US prison system. Aren’t we supposed to rehabilitate our ex-convicts and reinstate them into society?

I have nothing against dogs, but it is not like Vick killed, raped, and maimed humans. It’s not like after he served his sentence, Vick is going to return to his previous job as a veterinarian or dog walker. By not allowing Vick back into the NFL, it’s saying that it is just to let him pay for his wrongdoing forever until the day he dies.

Let him make a livelihood the best way he knows how. Yes. We can make him suffer by forcing him to find another way to support himself. But is this necessary?

His crime and his job as a quarterback are greatly unrelated unless the new NFL team he plays for has a dog as the mascot.

Is this how we treat ex-convicts? Even after they have served their time and realized their mistakes, we make it so unbelievably difficult for them to maintain lives as honest law abiding citizens. In this instance, I’m not talking about violent offenders or sex offenders. I’m talking about the ex-convicts that sold drugs, stole money, or ran numerous kinds of illegal operations. We brand them with a stigma after their sentences, making it difficult for them to find honest work, which leads many back into the illegal lifestyle they had before prison.

Vick has been humiliated and stripped of his wealth. Give him a chance.

The belief I have noticed from those that oppose Vick's reinstatement as an NFL player is that he doesn't deserve the money that accompanies the job as a NFL quarterback. So, what you are saying to me is that despite his talent as an athlete, he is not worthy of a NFL salary because of his crime? What if NFL players only made $20,000 a year? What would you say now?

Something to think about. The American public wants to dictate who gets to benefit from the fruits and opportunities of wealth despite, in this case, Vick's athletic talent and his debt that he has paid to society.

Interesting. Modern principles of imperialism and colonialism at its best.

Shame on ABC Family for remaking 10 Things I Hate about You

How dare ABC Family try to remake 10 Things I Hate about You into a tv show! Don’t make Heath Ledger spin in his grave! This was the first film where we all fell in love with him. Remember Ledger's "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" scene?

I saw a commercial of the blasphemy today during Gilmore Girls (which is the best show ever) and I almost threw my tater tots at the screen. ABC Family is going to destroy one of the best teeny bopper films of our time. (Well, for those of us who graduated from high school between the years: 1993-2001). The angst! The teenage love! The sex! Ok. There wasn’t any sex, but it’s not like we all did not imagine Heath Ledger in some director’s cut scenes in our minds.

You can never ever replace Heath, so don’t even try. The rest of the cast also perfectly embodied their roles; they should just leave this film of teeny bopper magic alone. ABC Family, the creators, the actors, and even the caterers should publicly announce their apologies to Heath Ledger, Julie Stiles, Josh Gordon-Levitt, Larissa Oleynik, and anyone remotely involved in the making of the 1999 original film.

The references to the Taming of the Shrew will surely be lost! There will be no Shakespeare. It will be replaced by Seventh Heaven type nonsense.

Remember when Clueless was turned into a tv series? The shame! Not once did the tv show reference Jane Austen's Emma.

Can't we bring today's youth anything good? All they have is High School Musical and that Hannah brat. Poor kids.

Kate Moss Was Done an Injustice

Kate Moss came in dead last in Glamour’s Top 50 Glamorous Women. Are you goddamn kidding?

This is the woman that ushered in heroin chic in the 90’s.

This is the woman that wore skinny jeans before anyone else did and started a skinny jean revolution when skinny jeans, in all honesty, should only be worn by a select few women (and I’m not one of them).

This is the woman that bumped her waif parts all over Johnny Depp and then said, “Nah. I’m good.” Only to drive him to find a woman to bear his children that kinda sorta looks like Kate. Depp has even been quoted saying that he felt he wasn't good enough for her. Damn.

This woman is the fashion icon of the century.

Let me say this again.

This woman is the fashion icon of the century.

Unlike most of the other glamorous women on Glamour’s List, Kate does not have a stylist. Whatever she’s wearing, she thought of it herself.

She has photographers camping outside of her house just to get a shot her outfit. Her look is put together without looking put together.

If you are sitting there thinking to yourself, that you have never heard of Kate Moss as a leading fashionista then you probably agreed with Glamour’s ranking. I love Kate Winslet, Michelle Obama, and the others noted on the list, but seriously: Kate Moss as dead last?

This chick decides to wear gladiator sandals, bed head, black blazers, or leopard prints and then it becomes the trend of the season. Most of the trendy shit you have ever worn is because some time ago the idea popped in little Kate’s head and then all of a sudden leggings, Minnetonka moccasin boots, Uggs, or ballet flats became the absolute chic must-have. She is solely behind a number of trends. I kid you not. Google it. Wikipedia that shit. It's true.

She was done an injustice!

Oh, Hell No!

Lady GaGa was recently quoted saying that she wants to have a foursome with the Jonas Brothers.

"I love the Jonas Brothers, they're very talented, I met them once, I'd like to have a foursome with them."

Shut your pie hole, Ms. GaGa. That is so six months ago! I’ve been saying that for- like- ever!

I think that it is hilarious and a little telling of how gender rules work in our society. It’s okay for old chicks, like Gaga face and me, to slobber over young boys (the youngest Jonas is 16), but how inappropriate for a man to openly admit he’d nail another Disney prostitot (Cyrus, Gomez… Why do I know these little kids names?!)

In any case, being the cougar in training that I am, I can’t help but laugh. I mean, those boys are purty. I actually tried to watch their Disney show; I wanted to shoot myself in the head so I put it on mute. It’s actually really fantastic entertainment that way. The Jonas boys batting their eyelashes in their well put together little outfits with their perfectly waxed eyebrows and flawless hair. It was precious.

Oh. And they are ridiculous with their purity rings. Sure. They are virgins. Ya. Okay. Me, too!

The picture above includes another Disney starlet, Zac Efron. So pretty.

Good job, Disney! Keep churning out more beautiful bitches.

Don't Be Stupid. Terminator Salvation is Going to be Ridiculously Awesome

I heard some stupid bullshit on the radio this morning on my way home from work about how Terminator Salvation, the fourth installment of the Terminator franchise, was going to be a huge failure because people are still upset about the leaked audio of Christian Bale’s tirade during the filming of the movie.

Seriously?

Haven’t you ever gotten pissed off at your job? Haven’t you ever made some lazy stupid bitch co-worker cry? Haven’t you ever yelled at some resident for ordering shit that would actually kill patients instead of saving them?

Shit. I’m a nurse and for some of my fellow co-workers that kind of shit is something that just happens every other Wednesday (and more frequently in July). In no way am I saying that working in critical care is the same thing as acting, but fuck! People get stressed sometimes. Actors are humans, too.

Recently, I had a small (tiny) part in a film and that shit was actually hard! You have the entire crew staring at your ass, some dude right up behind you holding a microphone over your head, and you are expected to act naturally. I can see how aggravating it would be if Bale kept losing his train of thought because a crew member kept distracting him. One of the crew members on the set of the film I was in was hot and I almost yelled at him for distracting me!

To make things more nerve-racking, scenes are filmed over and over again until nausea, in order to get different angles. How much did I want to vomit from saying the same shit over and over again “naturally” and “in character?” I was in one of the last scenes of the day so the entire crew was depending on my ass to not fuck up so they could go home on time. It’s really not the easiest thing to do in the world.

So, fuck all y’all. I’m watching this movie. I've been waiting for the adult John Connor since 1984 when I was 6. I’ve seen Terminator 1 and 2 countless times as a kid and I could give a fuck if Bale lost his shit on the set. (Skip Terminator 3; it sucks major ball sacks.) Besides, Bale is absolutely perfect for this role as an actor, as an action star, and as a hot piece to look at.



Look at him. He's all scruffy and dirty. It's like Jesus himself granted me my childhood wish for the perfect John Connor.

Anyway, if you are going to cry about your unrealistic expectations for actors who are just bitches like you and me, then you don't deserve to witness the greatness of the Terminator movies.

This is what happens when stupid tricks are allowed to speak

There should be a farm where we send beautiful people who spew ridiculous bullshit out of their pretty little mouths. We would allow them time off the farm for good behavior, to act in movies, and “conjugal” visits, but then we would return these precious creatures back to the farm where they may run their retarded mouths with abandon. That way we wouldn’t have to actually talk to them and be exposed to their idiocy that only dissuades us from wanting to nail them.

Megan Fox would be the first trick on the farm.

Another fabulous quote from this ho: “It pisses me off when people complain that I’m too beautiful to get a part. That’s bullshit. And if I weren’t attractive I wouldn’t be working at all.”

If she wasn’t such a dumbass trick she would have realized that this is what casting directors say to be nice because she can’t act. She has less acting ability than the annoying mannequins in the Old Navy commercials.

Megan needs to know: Don’t get such a big head about your beauty because no matter how hot a girl is, some guy (audience in this case) somewhere is tired of fucking her.

(This adage also goes for hot dudes, too. Trust me.)

Funny thing is Megan Fox came in second this year to Olivia Wilde on Maxim’s Hot 100 List. Ouch.

Shanna Moakler: Hot Bitch of the Month

I get this bitch! I dig her. Some people raised their eyebrows about her marriage to Travis Barker, drummer for Blink-182, while I thought to myself, “Hell yes!” I understand getting involved with rock stars even though these relationships do not realistically last. I’ve been doing this unconstructive shit since I met a Swedish singer/songwriter in my early twenties.


But what makes Shanna the hot bitch of May is her resignation as Miss California co-executive director when those pageant whores refused to strip Miss California, Carrie Prejean, of her crown after she launched an anti-gay marriage campaign that officials claimed interfered with her duties as beauty queen. Then some nude photos surfaced, but who cares about that? Everyone has a couple of those…

In any case, Shanna simply could not work for an organization that supported Prejean and her gay marriage smear campaign, so she quit that bitch without a new job lined up.

I get this bitch! I dropped out of grad school because I did not believe in the university I attended or their support of inequality and horizontal violence. I quit with only one class left to complete, a 3.9 GPA, and a successfully defended thesis with no plans for the future in immediate sight.

Nobody needs to support stupid tricks and cheers to bitches that refuse to.

Fuck it.

You better back up off my bitch, ho.

Megan Fox is hot. Fuck yes. Of course. We would all do her. Of course! But now that this bitch has publicly dissed one of my top girls, we’d only do her if she shut her fucking pretty face up and never said a damn thing during the entire session because that’s what she actually wants anyway.

This is what she said to Esquire or Elle (one of those magazines that start with E):

“I don’t want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson — who I have nothing against, but I don’t want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I’ve every learned to prove, like, ‘Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.’ I don’t want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I’m not a retard — but I do. And part of it is my own fault. I’m just really confident sexually, and I think that sort of oozes out of my pores. It’s just there. It’s something I don’t have to turn on.”

Every single SAT word? Like: feminism. Like: irresponsible. Irresponsible to the young girl tweens that watch Transformers that will read these ludicrous comments.

There are bitches and there are hoes, and then there are some dumbass tricks. Megan really came out sounding like a dumbass trick in this one.

In defense of Scarlett, she doesn’t have to turn on her sexuality either; it’s busting out of her chest, literally. Scarlett gets to be smart AND pretty, which makes pretty bitches that are just stupid whores stomp their feet, throw tantrums, and vomit brainless words like Megan did in this interview.

Bitch, you better back the fuck up before you get smacked the fuck up. Don’t diss on Scarlett because she doesn’t have to use Baby Einstein products to improve her vocabulary. She might just be inherently smart and that shit just oozes out of her pores.

Ms. Fox better turn up her sexuality until she’s on a new level of trickery because she will never have the acting ability, style, or lexicon of Scarlett. All she has is her body to hoe out to Hollywood and we are all glad she realized it.

We don't want you to speak anymore. We won't ever take your seriously. So, just shut the fuck up.

When Kate is Away, Jon will Play

I love that show, Jon & Kate Plus Eight. I have seen every episode three or five times. The kids are the true stars of the show; they occasionally inspire me to procreate with a Caucasian man to have some damn pretty babies. So, when I heard about Jon prancing around town without his brood and the chick that lugged around all eight of his kids in her uterus, I about lost my shit because I will be goddamned if they are going to cancel that show on account of Jon wanting his privacy.

I can see how privacy can be very important if you want to distribute your penis to other women without your wife finding out and there are always prying cameras around to capture those precious moments. Jon has been spotted on two documented occasions by the hardworking paparazzi cavorting around town with bitches that ain’t Kate. He whimpers that the show has made it hard for him to be just Jon. Now he has to be Jon AND Kate Plus Eight.

Regardless if you are on a reality show or not that’s what happens when you get married and have kids. It’s not all about you anymore. Why the hell do you think I haven’t shackled my ass down with a husband and kids. If I could have these “family members” in my life without the responsibility of taking them into account every time I decided to try out new sexual partners, I would do it. Who wouldn't!

After his last documented outing with a non-Kate, Jon asserts that he practiced “poor judgment.” Nice. I practice poor judgment 3 to 5 nights out of the week, but of course I don’t have the paparazzi there to distribute these photographs or a family of nine that could come across such photos.

You might be thinking to yourself: "Who f*cking cares? Why are you telling me this?" Ok. Is it useless to give a shit about people we don’t even know? Yes. Of course it is. Is it better than being updated every 20 seconds on the swine flu? F*ck yes!

So, Jon: Get your shit together. Either stop allegedly cheating on your wife or learn to cheat on her like politicians, actors, professional athletes, and musicians do: discreetely.

And in the spirit of being as random as possible...

White House Hotties

People Magazine with its infinite wisdom released its 100 Most Beautiful People list earlier this week. Don’t bother buying it because it’s mostly the same bitches every single year.

What has come to my attention is a special section devoted to “Obama’s Beauties.” Since I’m always interested in new beautiful people, I did some investigating myself. People lists some staff members who they deem beautiful. Blah, blah, blah. People also prints stories on Heidi Montag and Spencer F*ckface. So, who are you going to trust? That’s right: me.

These are the hot boys of Obama’s staff, indeed making me wonder if the White House has some sort of private duty nurse position open that I will surely apply for to get the chance to get close to these hot pieces.

1. Kal Penn- Associate Director in the Office of Public Liaison

I’ve professed my devotion to Mr. Penn before. Hot. Indian. The legendary “Kumar”.



2. Sam Kass- Assistant White House Chef

I will eat anything he wants me to... (within reason).



3. Jon Favreau- Chief White House Speechwriter

Don’t get confused. This is not the same dude that brought us Swingers, but this pretty baby (only 27 years old) is the head speechwriter for Obama.



4. Reggie Love- Obama's personal assistant, aka: Obama's "Body Man."

So, how do you go about hiring this dude to be your personal body man on the weekends? Because I am in need of a professional.



And of course there are some beautiful female staff members, but that’s too easy. Women are always beautiful. It’s finding beautiful dudes that is such a grueling and thankless task.

So, you’re welcome.

Guess Who is Adopting a Baby from the Philippines

I got a kick out of it when I heard about it in the news. I was over at my mom’s house for dinner and told her to guess who was trying to adopt a baby in the Philippines.

My poor dear mother.

She said eagerly, “You?!”

My poor mom. She has no grandchildren to call her own and she immediately thought the only logical answer to this question would be her unmarried, childless thirty year-old daughter.

Sorry, Mom, but I have been taking baby prevention pills continuously for the last thirteen years making my womb impervious to baby making. And I think adoption agencies know better than to let someone like me take home a baby. They’d run a background check on my ass and notice my numerous credit card transactions at Upper King bars one, two, or five nights a week. I’m not exactly mommy material.

Word is that nothing is a game killer at a bar on a Friday night than to have your baby sleeping in the stroller right next to your vodka soda. Babies, as cute and adorable as they are, are unwittingly little cockblockers and not exactly in my plans for my near future.

But the real answer to the riddle is: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. The rumor is that there will be a new addition to the Pitt-Jolie clan, a Filipino kid. And you know they are going to pick a really cute Filipino baby, too.

Congratulations to Angie and Brad for having the Filipino baby my mother always wanted me to have!

Angie Harmon: You are not Angie Jolie

Angie Harmon may have drunk too many PBR’s before her interview with Fox News and somehow confused herself for being a talented actress. She claims that the liberal Hollywood community has ostracized her, which subsequently is why she possibly gets passed up for roles.

Really? So, the sole reason she is not offered Oscar Award winning roles is because she is a conservative? Really? She thought her work on Baywatch Nights and Law & Order was her ticket to starring in critically acclaimed films and television shows?

Right. How about this, Ms. Harmon: you are not that great of an actress. If you had acting ability as someone like Angelina Jolie or Kate Winslet, I assure you no one would care about your political opinions. Maybe no one told you this, but when you are acting you actually don’t just act like yourself, you are supposed to get into character. That’s what casting directors care about, not the fact that you are conservative. Please don’t act like you were nominated for Emmy after Emmy and then after you publicly supported John McCain, all of a sudden you found yourself unemployed.

Now, Ms. Harmon, the needy media whore, is in the news again defending Miss California Carrie Prejean. Ms. Prejean responded to Perez Hilton’s question about gay marriage by stating that she was opposed to more states legalizing the union of same sex couples.

First of all, Ms. Prejean is an idiot, regardless if she supports gay marriage or not. She is competing in a pageant that she is trying to win. Just like when I go on job interviews, if my boss believes in wearing tacky ill-fitting suits, I’m going to act like that this is the shit on the runways of Paris and Milan. So, if Perez Hilton asks you a question that any dumb ass knows he clearly already has an opinion about, just smile and say a politically correct answer. That dumb ass did not. Therefore, she didn’t win. Simple.

There is a time and a place to stand up for what you believe in and unfortunately whether you like it or not, beauty pageants are not the venue. Duh.

As for Angie Harmon, she is trying her best to stay in the media by offering her two cents about things that we are all trying to figure out why her opinion matters in the first place. She hasn’t had an acting job since 2008 and she is grasping for any kind of media attention.

Bleh. We all don’t care about your GOP membership. See you on the next season of Dancing with the Stars, you has-been.

Robbing the Cradle: A Tribute to the Babies and the Cougars that Maul Them

There must have been a covert spill of hottie hormones that spilled in the milk supply in the late 1980’s because the crop of young boys prancing on the entertainment circuit and on the streets, for that matter, are overwhelming: Zac Efron, the Jonas brothers, Rob Pattison, the boy bitches from Gossip Girl, Shia LaBeouf, Emile Hirsch, and a number of boys under 25 that live in my town (names will not be disclosed for obvious reasons you nosy whores).

This blog post really should be a tribute to the bitches that laid the groundwork for the rest of us to rob the cradle: Demi Moore, Drew Barrymore, Courtney Cox, and Cameron Diaz. The feeling of hanging on the arm of some boy who is barely legal to drink, just got his driver’s license four years ago, and is only few years out of college is priceless. It’s hilarious actually since I was born in the 70’s.

Yup. That’s right.

Some of you chicks are shaking your head in disapproval, maybe in disgust. That’s fine, but nothing beats a pretty boy with an Abercrombie stomach who has the stamina of a 20 year old because he actually is a 20 year old. Not to say that dudes in my own age group are slovenly. There is a 33 year old doctor I know that could compete with the young ones in the superficial categories of rock hard body, prowess, and agility. He should teach a class. In any case, rumor is surgeons have developed stamina due to the nature of their job. (Just something to think about while you’re sifting through dudes out there.)

I’m writing this in jest. Sort of. I’m somewhat convinced that the dude that actually tackles me down and tames me into commitment will be someone I am at least five to ten (maybe twelve) years older than, simply because only a young dude can chase me around circles, put up with my shenanigans, and have the energy to shackle me into some sort of domestic relationship.

Just think: my possible future domestic partner was born in 1991 and is currently a senior in high school. This is not as bad as it sounds. Look at Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher; they have a fifteen year age difference.

Cheers to robbing the cradle and looking fabulous while doing it.

Game Recognize Game

I’m not one of those chicks that can’t appreciate another chick's beauty, but unfortunately there are a lot of jealous hoes out there. I believe in giving credit when credit is deserved. It takes game to recognize game, meaning when jealous hoes get testy and vindictive; they just called their own sorry asses out.

I’m secure in myself as a woman and can openly admire others. Some chicks can’t. These chicks are not fun and are the first whores to throw a party at your expense. Some dudes can’t either and these guys are douche bags that hardly ever get laid.

For the rest of us that don’t cry ourselves to sleep at night, we can enjoy the visual pleasure of others.

I bring you my top five hot chick list.

1. Laetitia Casta: I’ve had a crush on this girl since 1998. She was the only reason I ever perused through a Victoria Secret Catalogue. Even today, I flip through it to find pics of her; I’m less interested in the actual underwear.


2. Aishwarya Rai



3. Charlize Theron


4. Scarlett Johansson
See Previous Blog Post

5. Salma Hayek


It's very important to me that the dude I'm going to be with have the same taste in women as I do. Otherwise, what are we going to talk about?

Scarlett Johansson is the Hot Bitch of the Month

I love Scarlett Johansson’s body. No seriously. Have you seen her rack? She has recently blogged about the rumors that she has dropped 14 pounds from strict eating and gruesome workout routines. She denied such irresponsible media coverage and wrote that she would have to lose both arms and a foot to be 14 pounds lighter. My first thought was that if she were to lose more weight, she would likely drop a few cup sizes, which would honestly be a tragedy.

What irked Scarlett the most was that impressionable young fans out there might read about the false claims and then adopt crash diets and strict exercise regimes when she has always advocated for healthy body images in all women.

She admits to working out a bit more for her role in Iron Man 2 that requires her to wear a catsuit get-up, but is not partaking in any overly rigorous diet and exercise routines. I didn’t watch Iron Man the first time around, but news of this catsuit guarantees my support for the second film.

I’m happy to hear that Ms. Johansson has no plans to skinny her ass up because she truly does have one of the hottest bodies on the silver screen.

In any case, Scarlett has a rocking ass body that lands her in my top 5 bitches. Her voluptuousness is nice to see in the land of the skinny, no breasts, and no booty. Her body is 75% of the reason I see her films. She happens to be a great actress, too which is really just coincidental in my mind.

And who the hell doesn’t like T & A?

Especially hers.

Hell yes. Scarlett Johansson is the hot bitch of the month.

Buy Tickets to Efron's Movie this Weekend

This weekend is a very important weekend. It’s crucial that we ban together. Zac Efron’s movie, 17 Again, is opening on April 17th and I am campaigning that we all go and buy tickets to his film. I’m not even saying you should actually watch the damn thing. Just swing by the movie theater, buy a ticket, and then go about your usual business. It will only take 15 minutes out of your weekend! Stop being lazy.

I’m unsure if the movie will be any good. I. Don’t. Care. Zac Efron is a pretty baby that I want to see working well into his twenties. Dumb ass bitches all over went to see that stupid prostitot, Miley Cyrus’s, movie last weekend. Are we going to let an arrogant self-centered brat upstage the best thing Disney ever manufactured: Pretty Boy Zac? No. No. No.

Take a good long hard look at his picture. Do we want to disappoint this pretty face? No. Absolutely not.

All I’m saying is that I hate to see hot pieces unemployed. Dumb ass bitches, I have no problem with. But this sweet thing is so pretty it actually hurts (in a good way). While you are debating whether you will purchase tickets to his film, you can listen to Ladytron’s song, “Seventeen.”

Because they only want you when you’re seventeen. When you’re twenty-one you’re no fun.

Pretty Boy Zac is 21. Tick, tick, tick.

Lindsay Lohan: A Lesson for It Girls Everywhere

I admit it has been fascinating watching Lindsay Lohan’s crash, but now the actual burn is kind of painful to look at it. Poor thing has no friends she can really call her own except US Magazine. So, she poured her innards out to the mag about her recent break-up with Sam Ronson. Now her visceral sludge is all over the place. That’s just sad.

Ms. Lohan needs to get her shit together and forget about her love problems because bitches come a dime a dozen and she will find yet another girl/guy to fill her void in no time. She needs to start working on getting her career back. The girl reportedly is broker than broke. She even complained to Nylon that she wasn’t working. It’s true. No one will work with her.

The girl is whoring herself out for any gig she can get from jean commercials to interview after interview divulging personal information. Mama Lohan is no help since she bought her the ticket to get on the train wreck.

All I can say is: I liked Mean Girls. I even saw Freaky Friday a shitload of times. (Chad Michael Murray was in that shit so I had lots of motivation.) At one time, Lohan appeared to be neck and neck with Hilary Duff, but now Lindsay is left to stand in the unemployment line alone.

Poor Lindsay. In the words of the dope all-female band, Magneta Lane, in their song, Ugly Socialite.



Something for all It Girls to remember when you’re out partying. Remember Edie Sedgwick? Shit can get ugly.

And nothing makes whores happier than to see a pretty girl fail.