Five Things Not to Say to a Girl Unless You Truly Mean It

"Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off." -Natalie Portman's character in Closer.

"Lying is the most fun a guy can have in hopes of taking his clothes off." -Me.

I took some time this weekend to reminisce over past relationships, since yet again another one bit the dust... hard. I mean that shit died, reincarnated, and died again by decapitation. At any rate, I compiled a list of five things to not say to a girl unless you truly mean it. I suppose this list can be applied to women, as well and I’m sure some guy out there can cite me for committing one of these transgressions.

I. I love you.

This is number one simply because this statement is bad enough as it is when not heartfelt and exponentially egregious in combination with any other statement on the list. Only say this shit if you really mean it.

Even if you feel it and want to impulsively say it. Just wait. Wait long and hard. Wait until you have seen your ex girlfriend again and have sorted out your feelings. Wait until you've slept with your new girlfriend enough times to accept that she may be the only one you're going to hit for a long, long, long time.

When all that has happened and you've sat and had a long talk about your feelings with yourself, then you can say it. But you better mean it, dickhead.

2. I want to marry you.

Only say this without having any love feelings if you are looking for a green card. And only say this after you have imagined her 30 years older, fatter, and grumpier. Uh huh. That's what I said. Then this statement is permissible.

3. I miss you.

Don't get on your little texting apparatus and send girls this shit if you don't mean it. If you missed us so damn much, then why are you not with us? Long distance relationships are another thing, but when you live in the same damn 10 mile radius, it just sounds fishy, son.

4. I just know you're the one for me.

Wait until your dick isn't hard, the lights are on, and you are not drunk. Step away from the girl. Sit four feet away from her in a well lit room to remind yourself that this is a real person who is listening to whatever bullshit you are telling her. Then think about if you really mean that shit. That's all I ask, ok?

5. I will always love you.

You're not fucking Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard, so stop the melodrama. We don't need you to give us trite statements about how your love for us is so deep and profound that it will last for all time. Unless you plan to live a life like the dude in Love in the Time of Cholera who waited for that chick, shut the fuck up.

This post is meant to be tongue in cheek. Like keep your damn tongue in your cheek if you are unsure or iffy about any of these statements.

There are a number of lies out there that any decent human being says to his or her mate, but these are the 5 most obnoxious statements often said fleetingly that are really annoying.