Strange- (n.) sex outside your current relationship

The rumors surrounding Tiger Woods and his speculated strange launched a discussion this morning in class about cheating.

I said matter-of-factly, “Who cares? Everybody cheats.”

This caused some classmates to attempt to decapitate me with their stares of disdain and disgust, but I stand to my previous claim: Cheating happens. I’m not saying 100 percent of the population does it, but I speculate that nearly most of the Western population, in particular, has at one point cheated.

It’s part of our fiber as a neoliberal society. Cheating on our significant other only fulfills our quest to maximize profit while minimizing expenditure.

And it’s only called cheating if you get caught. (Think about the financial scandals such as Madoff and Enron. These “cheaters” were only functioning off the principles of capitalism as their primary motivations to gain profit.)

Think about it.

I must clarify that I’m not talking about having two significant others at the very same time. Like the grandmother, who upon her dear beloved husband’s death, finds out that the son of a bitch had another family in the next town for the last 40 years. Even I can say that’s fucked up.

I’m talking about the one night strange.

This strange is like a shirt you find at the discount rack at an outlet store. It’s not quite what you want to wear every day, a little irregular at times, and definitely not like the shirt you love at home, but the key difference is that it’s NOT the shirt you have at home. So, you try it on once… or twice.

How could you pass up such a good looking piece of clothing that’s half the price of the shirt you have to maintain at home every single day? Easy and cheap! –This is what we, as neoliberalists, live for!

In the same vein, when the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund strategically prevent developing countries from improving their infrastructure and independence, this kind of exploitation is also cheating. The goal is to maximize gain while minimizing loss even if it’s at the expense of others.

Most ignore the significance of these fraudulent acts that affect millions, but instead focus on marriage infidelities, like Tiger's situation, which only affects his family.

Why are neoliberal principles acceptable in some situations and not in others? Strange… Strange, indeed.

As a neoliberal society, we want discounts. We want more, more, more. The more the better! This mentality doesn’t stop at material goods; it extends into our human relationships.

Strange is just one little part of our everyday lives that are full of manipulation for profit (commercials, branding, mass consumption, the alleged emotional comfort of inanimate objects, and materialism).

Likewise, discount pussy means more pussy at a lower rate than the old original pussy you’ve used over and over again. New pussy gain with as little personal investment as possible is like venture capitalism if you think about it.

Getting something for nothing (or nearly nothing) makes you the biggest player (neoliberal capitalist) on the block.

Nothing strange about that, folks. Look around you.

Nothing Tastes as Good as Skinny Feels

When an interviewer asked Kate Moss what mottos she uses in everyday life, she replied with the “controversial” statement: "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels", which caused a media tirade against the model.

The chick that made millions for being particularly androgynously skinny and starting the heroin chic trend is catching heat for this statement?

Skinny feels good, people. -Especially if it lets you roll around in millions of dollars. (AND if it enabled you the stardom to meet and date Johnny Depp, who I imagine feels really good.)

It’s her job to be skinny. She was made a millionaire for being skinny. But the minute she states the obvious. -That’s she’s fucking skinny. We are ready to burn her at the stake. The modeling industry calls for skinny girls and Moss is just doing her job. To help her remember that she was made one rich bitch for being thin, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” is the motto she tells herself.

Skinny does feel good. Industrialized nations are ridden with an obesity epidemic. Americans are lazy and fat with cardiovascular disease and diabetes. So, skinny feels really good in physical terms.

I adore Kate Moss. She is the fashion icon of the century. Photographers camp outside of her house just to take a photo of what she’s wearing for the day. She’s the rock star of the modeling world and says whatever she feels and in this case, whatever is the obvious truth. If you want to be a model like Kate Moss, you have to be skinny. Just like if I want to be an Olympic gold Track star, I need to run fast. Or if I want to be a mathematician, I better know how to add.

To be skinny, or thin, which is may be a less offensive term, is hard. It’s easy to sit around and eat whatever the fuck you want and to never work out, but it is unhealthy. That’s the truth. Is it healthy to be anorexic? No, it’s not either.

Did Moss suggest that everyone should be as thin as she? I don’t think so.

What is most important is to be comfortable with your own body. Blasting a supermodel for how she feels about her body is not the point. Blaming her for millions of teenage girls that aspire to be skinny like her is not the point. The problem with women (including teens) is lack of self-esteem and self-acceptance. Who the fuck cares what a skinny British model thinks about being skinny if you’ve accepted who you are.

What to Expect When Dating a Narcissist

(Marlon Brando- A famous narcissist)

I’ve dated narcissists. I would say every fifth guy I get involved with is one. A lot of the time a narcissist is an insanely great looking guy with charisma so captivating you are hardly aware of his egotistical self-centered agenda at first.

I have never been one to turn my back on a pretty face. So, I often get in relationships with these guys. These “relationships” never last because no matter how hot a guy is, some chick somewhere is tired of banging him (especially if he’s an arrogant prick.)

These are the kinds of things to expect when dating a narcissist.

1. You will never come first.
Girl, you won't even come second. Third. Or fourth. He is so tremendously important in his universe he will be the top four priorities in his life. He is physically, emotionally, psychologically, and physiologically incapable of even considering you and your needs.

2. He will belittle your attributes.
This behavior does not exhibit itself initially, but expect a denigration of your attributes at some point in your relationship. At first, you are beautiful, smart, witty, and everything he ever wanted. After some time, he will downplay your attributes and even group you into an overarching group of hot and intelligent women. "You're not that special. All hot women have this and this and do that and that." You were once uniquely awesome, but now you are ordinary. He will tell you that he's had dime pieces like you all his life and that you are not even in the top five.

3. He will compete with you.
The competition will span from looks to work achievements to where you went to undergrad to how many miles you ran at the gym. You will find yourself somehow entered into ridiculous competitions that he must always win.

4. He is a powerful omniscient being.

It doesn't matter if you are a neurosurgeon and he is a gas station attendant, he will tell you the proper way to perform a craniotomy. No fucking joke.

5. You are lucky to be with him.
Regardless of how shitty he treats you, he will tell you repeatedly a higher power has blessed you with his presence in your life.

These guys are often painfully beautiful and even endearing at first. Their charm can be smothering at times.

But these dudes should only be used and then quickly discarded. Trust me.

Sex, Love, and the Morning After

Girls make this mistake time and time again. The same shit happens every Friday night with the same realization every Monday morning, but chicks always give it one more try just in case the dude is different.

Good luck with that.

Sex is not love. Love is not sex. In my case, if I’ve slept with a guy, I probably don’t love him. And if I haven’t slept with a guy in my life, I probably consider him the love of my life. (Something like that.)

But the point is, chicks: if you fuck a guy, it means absolutely nothing. Nothing. Zilch. He ain’t your boyfriend the next morning. So many girls are stranded in the dark ages of the 1950’s and whole-heartedly think that having sex brings the relationship to a new level. That this “step” signifies to the dude that the relationship is meaningful and that they are now committed.

I always hear, “But we had sex…”

My response: And? So? Your point?

After you sleep with a dude, this does not mean you two are going steady.

Wake the fuck up.

If you can’t handle the fuck, get the hell out of the bedroom (or backseat, bathroom stall, kitchen table or whatever the fuck it is you decided to let him blow his load on you).

Just wait. Wait until the guy says (sober) that he is committed to you. Then fuck him. This will cut down on all the instances where you thought a guy really cared about you, but was really only trying to fuck you to pass the time. It will not eliminate these guys completely in your life by any means, but it may decrease the times you feel used by at least twenty percent.

I hate to say it, but romance is dead. -Brutally murdered by easy access pornography, detached digital communication, the decreased attention span spurred by MTV videos and sound bites, mass consumption, and mass disposal.

We are a disposal society. We use something, toss it, and then get a new one. Simple. Modern sexual relations are the same way. Sorry. We’ll trade you in for something better, fresher, and newer, if we don’t really love you.

So, please don’t confuse a late night fuck with something meaningful in your life. Love and sex are not the same things. If you hold sex near and dear to your heart as something beautiful and special, for the love of god, please don’t fuck a guy until he commits to you. You will only spend most of your time crying on the phone with your girlfriends.

And those of us chicks who got the fucking memo in 1997 are tired of hearing you cry.

So, dry your eyes. Keep your pants on. And have a good night.

*(As an afterthought: I've met some guys who are stage five clingers, too. This post goes for both dudes and chicks.)

30 Days

It takes 30 days to break a habit. And a relationship is, in essence, a habit. A nasty habit depending on your significant other. Or a sweet habit depending on how drugged and intoxicated you were through most of the relationship. (A joke… Kind of.)

In any case, most people get overwhelmed with the idea of getting over someone like it’s an enormous feat. It isn’t. Your ex is like heroin. An addiction.

Heroin addicts don’t get over their addictions by hanging out with heroin everyday. So, don’t get chummy with your ex after you’ve broken up.

To get over your ex, all you have to do is completely change the routine you had with him/her for 30 days. This means: No contact. No texting. No e-mailing. No driving by their houses. (Yes. Some of you do this.) Nothing. Stop it.

This also means: if you two watched some stupid show like, American Idol, together, you have to take a break from pretty boy, Ryan Seacrest, for a month, too. Change your routine completely. You have to get clean and rid yourself of your old habit.

Now, a sure way to accelerate this process is to get a new companion. A rebound. You will then be too busy dealing with this new asshole’s routine, idiosyncrasies, and quirks that you will forget all about your ex.

The thing about the rebound is that it is an extremely time sensitive arrangement. You can only keep him/her for a month. Month and a half at most. You were in such a vulnerable state when you inducted the rebound in your life that you could easily get blind-sided with a whole new committed relationship with another douche bag.

Moreover, you have to stay with the new douche for the entire 30 days. You have to be careful. Don't switch out the rebound too early. I am known for my impatience and have not always fully followed through with the 30 day plan with a rebound.

Hence, I’m currently on my sixth.

All bullshitting aside... Seriously, this shit works. It’s like magic.

Good luck!