Don't Be Stupid. Terminator Salvation is Going to be Ridiculously Awesome

I heard some stupid bullshit on the radio this morning on my way home from work about how Terminator Salvation, the fourth installment of the Terminator franchise, was going to be a huge failure because people are still upset about the leaked audio of Christian Bale’s tirade during the filming of the movie.

Seriously?

Haven’t you ever gotten pissed off at your job? Haven’t you ever made some lazy stupid bitch co-worker cry? Haven’t you ever yelled at some resident for ordering shit that would actually kill patients instead of saving them?

Shit. I’m a nurse and for some of my fellow co-workers that kind of shit is something that just happens every other Wednesday (and more frequently in July). In no way am I saying that working in critical care is the same thing as acting, but fuck! People get stressed sometimes. Actors are humans, too.

Recently, I had a small (tiny) part in a film and that shit was actually hard! You have the entire crew staring at your ass, some dude right up behind you holding a microphone over your head, and you are expected to act naturally. I can see how aggravating it would be if Bale kept losing his train of thought because a crew member kept distracting him. One of the crew members on the set of the film I was in was hot and I almost yelled at him for distracting me!

To make things more nerve-racking, scenes are filmed over and over again until nausea, in order to get different angles. How much did I want to vomit from saying the same shit over and over again “naturally” and “in character?” I was in one of the last scenes of the day so the entire crew was depending on my ass to not fuck up so they could go home on time. It’s really not the easiest thing to do in the world.

So, fuck all y’all. I’m watching this movie. I've been waiting for the adult John Connor since 1984 when I was 6. I’ve seen Terminator 1 and 2 countless times as a kid and I could give a fuck if Bale lost his shit on the set. (Skip Terminator 3; it sucks major ball sacks.) Besides, Bale is absolutely perfect for this role as an actor, as an action star, and as a hot piece to look at.



Look at him. He's all scruffy and dirty. It's like Jesus himself granted me my childhood wish for the perfect John Connor.

Anyway, if you are going to cry about your unrealistic expectations for actors who are just bitches like you and me, then you don't deserve to witness the greatness of the Terminator movies.

This is what happens when stupid tricks are allowed to speak

There should be a farm where we send beautiful people who spew ridiculous bullshit out of their pretty little mouths. We would allow them time off the farm for good behavior, to act in movies, and “conjugal” visits, but then we would return these precious creatures back to the farm where they may run their retarded mouths with abandon. That way we wouldn’t have to actually talk to them and be exposed to their idiocy that only dissuades us from wanting to nail them.

Megan Fox would be the first trick on the farm.

Another fabulous quote from this ho: “It pisses me off when people complain that I’m too beautiful to get a part. That’s bullshit. And if I weren’t attractive I wouldn’t be working at all.”

If she wasn’t such a dumbass trick she would have realized that this is what casting directors say to be nice because she can’t act. She has less acting ability than the annoying mannequins in the Old Navy commercials.

Megan needs to know: Don’t get such a big head about your beauty because no matter how hot a girl is, some guy (audience in this case) somewhere is tired of fucking her.

(This adage also goes for hot dudes, too. Trust me.)

Funny thing is Megan Fox came in second this year to Olivia Wilde on Maxim’s Hot 100 List. Ouch.

Shanna Moakler: Hot Bitch of the Month

I get this bitch! I dig her. Some people raised their eyebrows about her marriage to Travis Barker, drummer for Blink-182, while I thought to myself, “Hell yes!” I understand getting involved with rock stars even though these relationships do not realistically last. I’ve been doing this unconstructive shit since I met a Swedish singer/songwriter in my early twenties.


But what makes Shanna the hot bitch of May is her resignation as Miss California co-executive director when those pageant whores refused to strip Miss California, Carrie Prejean, of her crown after she launched an anti-gay marriage campaign that officials claimed interfered with her duties as beauty queen. Then some nude photos surfaced, but who cares about that? Everyone has a couple of those…

In any case, Shanna simply could not work for an organization that supported Prejean and her gay marriage smear campaign, so she quit that bitch without a new job lined up.

I get this bitch! I dropped out of grad school because I did not believe in the university I attended or their support of inequality and horizontal violence. I quit with only one class left to complete, a 3.9 GPA, and a successfully defended thesis with no plans for the future in immediate sight.

Nobody needs to support stupid tricks and cheers to bitches that refuse to.

Fuck it.

You better back up off my bitch, ho.

Megan Fox is hot. Fuck yes. Of course. We would all do her. Of course! But now that this bitch has publicly dissed one of my top girls, we’d only do her if she shut her fucking pretty face up and never said a damn thing during the entire session because that’s what she actually wants anyway.

This is what she said to Esquire or Elle (one of those magazines that start with E):

“I don’t want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson — who I have nothing against, but I don’t want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I’ve every learned to prove, like, ‘Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.’ I don’t want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I’m not a retard — but I do. And part of it is my own fault. I’m just really confident sexually, and I think that sort of oozes out of my pores. It’s just there. It’s something I don’t have to turn on.”

Every single SAT word? Like: feminism. Like: irresponsible. Irresponsible to the young girl tweens that watch Transformers that will read these ludicrous comments.

There are bitches and there are hoes, and then there are some dumbass tricks. Megan really came out sounding like a dumbass trick in this one.

In defense of Scarlett, she doesn’t have to turn on her sexuality either; it’s busting out of her chest, literally. Scarlett gets to be smart AND pretty, which makes pretty bitches that are just stupid whores stomp their feet, throw tantrums, and vomit brainless words like Megan did in this interview.

Bitch, you better back the fuck up before you get smacked the fuck up. Don’t diss on Scarlett because she doesn’t have to use Baby Einstein products to improve her vocabulary. She might just be inherently smart and that shit just oozes out of her pores.

Ms. Fox better turn up her sexuality until she’s on a new level of trickery because she will never have the acting ability, style, or lexicon of Scarlett. All she has is her body to hoe out to Hollywood and we are all glad she realized it.

We don't want you to speak anymore. We won't ever take your seriously. So, just shut the fuck up.

When Kate is Away, Jon will Play

I love that show, Jon & Kate Plus Eight. I have seen every episode three or five times. The kids are the true stars of the show; they occasionally inspire me to procreate with a Caucasian man to have some damn pretty babies. So, when I heard about Jon prancing around town without his brood and the chick that lugged around all eight of his kids in her uterus, I about lost my shit because I will be goddamned if they are going to cancel that show on account of Jon wanting his privacy.

I can see how privacy can be very important if you want to distribute your penis to other women without your wife finding out and there are always prying cameras around to capture those precious moments. Jon has been spotted on two documented occasions by the hardworking paparazzi cavorting around town with bitches that ain’t Kate. He whimpers that the show has made it hard for him to be just Jon. Now he has to be Jon AND Kate Plus Eight.

Regardless if you are on a reality show or not that’s what happens when you get married and have kids. It’s not all about you anymore. Why the hell do you think I haven’t shackled my ass down with a husband and kids. If I could have these “family members” in my life without the responsibility of taking them into account every time I decided to try out new sexual partners, I would do it. Who wouldn't!

After his last documented outing with a non-Kate, Jon asserts that he practiced “poor judgment.” Nice. I practice poor judgment 3 to 5 nights out of the week, but of course I don’t have the paparazzi there to distribute these photographs or a family of nine that could come across such photos.

You might be thinking to yourself: "Who f*cking cares? Why are you telling me this?" Ok. Is it useless to give a shit about people we don’t even know? Yes. Of course it is. Is it better than being updated every 20 seconds on the swine flu? F*ck yes!

So, Jon: Get your shit together. Either stop allegedly cheating on your wife or learn to cheat on her like politicians, actors, professional athletes, and musicians do: discreetely.

And in the spirit of being as random as possible...

White House Hotties

People Magazine with its infinite wisdom released its 100 Most Beautiful People list earlier this week. Don’t bother buying it because it’s mostly the same bitches every single year.

What has come to my attention is a special section devoted to “Obama’s Beauties.” Since I’m always interested in new beautiful people, I did some investigating myself. People lists some staff members who they deem beautiful. Blah, blah, blah. People also prints stories on Heidi Montag and Spencer F*ckface. So, who are you going to trust? That’s right: me.

These are the hot boys of Obama’s staff, indeed making me wonder if the White House has some sort of private duty nurse position open that I will surely apply for to get the chance to get close to these hot pieces.

1. Kal Penn- Associate Director in the Office of Public Liaison

I’ve professed my devotion to Mr. Penn before. Hot. Indian. The legendary “Kumar”.



2. Sam Kass- Assistant White House Chef

I will eat anything he wants me to... (within reason).



3. Jon Favreau- Chief White House Speechwriter

Don’t get confused. This is not the same dude that brought us Swingers, but this pretty baby (only 27 years old) is the head speechwriter for Obama.



4. Reggie Love- Obama's personal assistant, aka: Obama's "Body Man."

So, how do you go about hiring this dude to be your personal body man on the weekends? Because I am in need of a professional.



And of course there are some beautiful female staff members, but that’s too easy. Women are always beautiful. It’s finding beautiful dudes that is such a grueling and thankless task.

So, you’re welcome.