The Frenemy

I read somewhere in some chick mag that the frenemy phenomenon is an unavoidable part of life for a woman. (Frenemy is the clever smashing together of the words, friend and enemy.) The article went on to describe Gwyneth Paltrow’s experience with her alleged best frenemy, Winona Ryder. Poor Gwyneth, but we are yet to hear Ryder’s point of view.

In any case, you know what? As a way to kick off my 31st birthday, I eliminated all the frenemies in my life. Girlfriends that are passive aggressive, conniving, manipulative, back-stabbing, shit talking, controlling, and jealous will no longer be part of my close knit friendship network. If women were to actually de-friend all their frenemies they would be left with only a handful of girlfriends on their facebook/myspace/real life friend database. So, instead, we will call these women that are only friends with you to talk shit about you behind your back or even passive aggressively in your face, acquaintance enemies.

Because a friend. –A real friend by definition does not try to fuck you over and doesn’t laugh at your disappointments and short-comings in life. A person who does this is surely your enemy. The extraction of these chicks in my everyday life has freed my time up to attend to other stress free activities. There is no drama. There are no hurt feelings. There are no countless hours spent talking to my real friends about why she did this? Or why did she say that? Or why is she so mean to me?

It is the jealous nature of women that steered me to seek friendships in men, who are less dramatic, less back-stabbing, and rarely if ever, passive aggressive. Passive aggression is the cowardly, pussy way of being aggressive. Either own up to being a bitch or don’t be one, but don’t be a bitch disguised in sugary sweet bullshit.

A senior stock broker, a fast-talking New York City Jewish playboy, I once worked for one long summer in San Francisco would tell me almost everyday to motivate me, “Lift up your skirt. Grab your balls. And be a man.”

Wherever he is, I will make him proud.

So, with my massive imaginary balls in hand, I want to tell all the frenemies I have acquired throughout my thirty-one years of life,

Suck it.