Johnny Lee Miller was Angelina Jolie's First HusbandI’m an old maid. I’ve been told this time and time again. I’m nearly 31 and not married. I dodged a few engagements and have remained matrimonially unchained. But what bothers me the most is that time is eking by and I have still not chosen my first husband.
First Husband? Yes. Starter Husband. -The equivalent to the first wife. -First wives club. You know what I’m referring to. I don’t have a current husband who will later become my first husband when my younger and sprightlier second husband comes along knocking him off his throne.
When I get my shit together, start publishing more of my work, move to LA to further exploit myself as a writer of any shape or form, and then finally, FINALLY get my break, I need my first husband there to tearfully recount to Larry King years later what, when, where, how, why, and who I dumped him for.
Don’t get me wrong! My first husband will get properly compensated, of course. He would be the dutiful spouse through all the years of struggle and sweat that cleaned up the house before I had a housekeeper, tended to the kids before I had nannies, and barely ever saw me because I was too busy "working". It will be a win, win situation. I’ll throw him a nice severance package and maybe let him keep my last name. (That’s right. I’m not changing my surname for anyone.)
But time is ticking! And most guys look at a girl like me in my age range and think: “She’s looking for a lifetime commitment!” No, honey, I’m just looking for a commitment until I get a regular gig writing on Lifetime… or any other network that will take me.
That's my goal for my 32nd birthday: find my first husband/ starter husband before my second younger husband comes along. How can you appreciate your second round of golf, if you have never had a first?
And one of my ex-boyfriends recently told me I was cold-hearted... I don't get it.
First Husband? Yes. Starter Husband. -The equivalent to the first wife. -First wives club. You know what I’m referring to. I don’t have a current husband who will later become my first husband when my younger and sprightlier second husband comes along knocking him off his throne.
When I get my shit together, start publishing more of my work, move to LA to further exploit myself as a writer of any shape or form, and then finally, FINALLY get my break, I need my first husband there to tearfully recount to Larry King years later what, when, where, how, why, and who I dumped him for.
Don’t get me wrong! My first husband will get properly compensated, of course. He would be the dutiful spouse through all the years of struggle and sweat that cleaned up the house before I had a housekeeper, tended to the kids before I had nannies, and barely ever saw me because I was too busy "working". It will be a win, win situation. I’ll throw him a nice severance package and maybe let him keep my last name. (That’s right. I’m not changing my surname for anyone.)
But time is ticking! And most guys look at a girl like me in my age range and think: “She’s looking for a lifetime commitment!” No, honey, I’m just looking for a commitment until I get a regular gig writing on Lifetime… or any other network that will take me.
That's my goal for my 32nd birthday: find my first husband/ starter husband before my second younger husband comes along. How can you appreciate your second round of golf, if you have never had a first?
And one of my ex-boyfriends recently told me I was cold-hearted... I don't get it.
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