Guess Who is Adopting a Baby from the Philippines

I got a kick out of it when I heard about it in the news. I was over at my mom’s house for dinner and told her to guess who was trying to adopt a baby in the Philippines.

My poor dear mother.

She said eagerly, “You?!”

My poor mom. She has no grandchildren to call her own and she immediately thought the only logical answer to this question would be her unmarried, childless thirty year-old daughter.

Sorry, Mom, but I have been taking baby prevention pills continuously for the last thirteen years making my womb impervious to baby making. And I think adoption agencies know better than to let someone like me take home a baby. They’d run a background check on my ass and notice my numerous credit card transactions at Upper King bars one, two, or five nights a week. I’m not exactly mommy material.

Word is that nothing is a game killer at a bar on a Friday night than to have your baby sleeping in the stroller right next to your vodka soda. Babies, as cute and adorable as they are, are unwittingly little cockblockers and not exactly in my plans for my near future.

But the real answer to the riddle is: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. The rumor is that there will be a new addition to the Pitt-Jolie clan, a Filipino kid. And you know they are going to pick a really cute Filipino baby, too.

Congratulations to Angie and Brad for having the Filipino baby my mother always wanted me to have!

Angie Harmon: You are not Angie Jolie

Angie Harmon may have drunk too many PBR’s before her interview with Fox News and somehow confused herself for being a talented actress. She claims that the liberal Hollywood community has ostracized her, which subsequently is why she possibly gets passed up for roles.

Really? So, the sole reason she is not offered Oscar Award winning roles is because she is a conservative? Really? She thought her work on Baywatch Nights and Law & Order was her ticket to starring in critically acclaimed films and television shows?

Right. How about this, Ms. Harmon: you are not that great of an actress. If you had acting ability as someone like Angelina Jolie or Kate Winslet, I assure you no one would care about your political opinions. Maybe no one told you this, but when you are acting you actually don’t just act like yourself, you are supposed to get into character. That’s what casting directors care about, not the fact that you are conservative. Please don’t act like you were nominated for Emmy after Emmy and then after you publicly supported John McCain, all of a sudden you found yourself unemployed.

Now, Ms. Harmon, the needy media whore, is in the news again defending Miss California Carrie Prejean. Ms. Prejean responded to Perez Hilton’s question about gay marriage by stating that she was opposed to more states legalizing the union of same sex couples.

First of all, Ms. Prejean is an idiot, regardless if she supports gay marriage or not. She is competing in a pageant that she is trying to win. Just like when I go on job interviews, if my boss believes in wearing tacky ill-fitting suits, I’m going to act like that this is the shit on the runways of Paris and Milan. So, if Perez Hilton asks you a question that any dumb ass knows he clearly already has an opinion about, just smile and say a politically correct answer. That dumb ass did not. Therefore, she didn’t win. Simple.

There is a time and a place to stand up for what you believe in and unfortunately whether you like it or not, beauty pageants are not the venue. Duh.

As for Angie Harmon, she is trying her best to stay in the media by offering her two cents about things that we are all trying to figure out why her opinion matters in the first place. She hasn’t had an acting job since 2008 and she is grasping for any kind of media attention.

Bleh. We all don’t care about your GOP membership. See you on the next season of Dancing with the Stars, you has-been.

Robbing the Cradle: A Tribute to the Babies and the Cougars that Maul Them

There must have been a covert spill of hottie hormones that spilled in the milk supply in the late 1980’s because the crop of young boys prancing on the entertainment circuit and on the streets, for that matter, are overwhelming: Zac Efron, the Jonas brothers, Rob Pattison, the boy bitches from Gossip Girl, Shia LaBeouf, Emile Hirsch, and a number of boys under 25 that live in my town (names will not be disclosed for obvious reasons you nosy whores).

This blog post really should be a tribute to the bitches that laid the groundwork for the rest of us to rob the cradle: Demi Moore, Drew Barrymore, Courtney Cox, and Cameron Diaz. The feeling of hanging on the arm of some boy who is barely legal to drink, just got his driver’s license four years ago, and is only few years out of college is priceless. It’s hilarious actually since I was born in the 70’s.

Yup. That’s right.

Some of you chicks are shaking your head in disapproval, maybe in disgust. That’s fine, but nothing beats a pretty boy with an Abercrombie stomach who has the stamina of a 20 year old because he actually is a 20 year old. Not to say that dudes in my own age group are slovenly. There is a 33 year old doctor I know that could compete with the young ones in the superficial categories of rock hard body, prowess, and agility. He should teach a class. In any case, rumor is surgeons have developed stamina due to the nature of their job. (Just something to think about while you’re sifting through dudes out there.)

I’m writing this in jest. Sort of. I’m somewhat convinced that the dude that actually tackles me down and tames me into commitment will be someone I am at least five to ten (maybe twelve) years older than, simply because only a young dude can chase me around circles, put up with my shenanigans, and have the energy to shackle me into some sort of domestic relationship.

Just think: my possible future domestic partner was born in 1991 and is currently a senior in high school. This is not as bad as it sounds. Look at Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher; they have a fifteen year age difference.

Cheers to robbing the cradle and looking fabulous while doing it.

Game Recognize Game

I’m not one of those chicks that can’t appreciate another chick's beauty, but unfortunately there are a lot of jealous hoes out there. I believe in giving credit when credit is deserved. It takes game to recognize game, meaning when jealous hoes get testy and vindictive; they just called their own sorry asses out.

I’m secure in myself as a woman and can openly admire others. Some chicks can’t. These chicks are not fun and are the first whores to throw a party at your expense. Some dudes can’t either and these guys are douche bags that hardly ever get laid.

For the rest of us that don’t cry ourselves to sleep at night, we can enjoy the visual pleasure of others.

I bring you my top five hot chick list.

1. Laetitia Casta: I’ve had a crush on this girl since 1998. She was the only reason I ever perused through a Victoria Secret Catalogue. Even today, I flip through it to find pics of her; I’m less interested in the actual underwear.


2. Aishwarya Rai



3. Charlize Theron


4. Scarlett Johansson
See Previous Blog Post

5. Salma Hayek


It's very important to me that the dude I'm going to be with have the same taste in women as I do. Otherwise, what are we going to talk about?

Scarlett Johansson is the Hot Bitch of the Month

I love Scarlett Johansson’s body. No seriously. Have you seen her rack? She has recently blogged about the rumors that she has dropped 14 pounds from strict eating and gruesome workout routines. She denied such irresponsible media coverage and wrote that she would have to lose both arms and a foot to be 14 pounds lighter. My first thought was that if she were to lose more weight, she would likely drop a few cup sizes, which would honestly be a tragedy.

What irked Scarlett the most was that impressionable young fans out there might read about the false claims and then adopt crash diets and strict exercise regimes when she has always advocated for healthy body images in all women.

She admits to working out a bit more for her role in Iron Man 2 that requires her to wear a catsuit get-up, but is not partaking in any overly rigorous diet and exercise routines. I didn’t watch Iron Man the first time around, but news of this catsuit guarantees my support for the second film.

I’m happy to hear that Ms. Johansson has no plans to skinny her ass up because she truly does have one of the hottest bodies on the silver screen.

In any case, Scarlett has a rocking ass body that lands her in my top 5 bitches. Her voluptuousness is nice to see in the land of the skinny, no breasts, and no booty. Her body is 75% of the reason I see her films. She happens to be a great actress, too which is really just coincidental in my mind.

And who the hell doesn’t like T & A?

Especially hers.

Hell yes. Scarlett Johansson is the hot bitch of the month.

Buy Tickets to Efron's Movie this Weekend

This weekend is a very important weekend. It’s crucial that we ban together. Zac Efron’s movie, 17 Again, is opening on April 17th and I am campaigning that we all go and buy tickets to his film. I’m not even saying you should actually watch the damn thing. Just swing by the movie theater, buy a ticket, and then go about your usual business. It will only take 15 minutes out of your weekend! Stop being lazy.

I’m unsure if the movie will be any good. I. Don’t. Care. Zac Efron is a pretty baby that I want to see working well into his twenties. Dumb ass bitches all over went to see that stupid prostitot, Miley Cyrus’s, movie last weekend. Are we going to let an arrogant self-centered brat upstage the best thing Disney ever manufactured: Pretty Boy Zac? No. No. No.

Take a good long hard look at his picture. Do we want to disappoint this pretty face? No. Absolutely not.

All I’m saying is that I hate to see hot pieces unemployed. Dumb ass bitches, I have no problem with. But this sweet thing is so pretty it actually hurts (in a good way). While you are debating whether you will purchase tickets to his film, you can listen to Ladytron’s song, “Seventeen.”

Because they only want you when you’re seventeen. When you’re twenty-one you’re no fun.

Pretty Boy Zac is 21. Tick, tick, tick.

Lindsay Lohan: A Lesson for It Girls Everywhere

I admit it has been fascinating watching Lindsay Lohan’s crash, but now the actual burn is kind of painful to look at it. Poor thing has no friends she can really call her own except US Magazine. So, she poured her innards out to the mag about her recent break-up with Sam Ronson. Now her visceral sludge is all over the place. That’s just sad.

Ms. Lohan needs to get her shit together and forget about her love problems because bitches come a dime a dozen and she will find yet another girl/guy to fill her void in no time. She needs to start working on getting her career back. The girl reportedly is broker than broke. She even complained to Nylon that she wasn’t working. It’s true. No one will work with her.

The girl is whoring herself out for any gig she can get from jean commercials to interview after interview divulging personal information. Mama Lohan is no help since she bought her the ticket to get on the train wreck.

All I can say is: I liked Mean Girls. I even saw Freaky Friday a shitload of times. (Chad Michael Murray was in that shit so I had lots of motivation.) At one time, Lohan appeared to be neck and neck with Hilary Duff, but now Lindsay is left to stand in the unemployment line alone.

Poor Lindsay. In the words of the dope all-female band, Magneta Lane, in their song, Ugly Socialite.



Something for all It Girls to remember when you’re out partying. Remember Edie Sedgwick? Shit can get ugly.

And nothing makes whores happier than to see a pretty girl fail.

Age of Consent: The Case of Little Miss Cyrus

Little Miss Cyrus has announced that she doesn’t think she is doing anything wrong by dating her twenty-year-old model boyfriend. Oh, really? Last time I checked there were laws against this.

If this is no longer a law, then someone give me Nick Jonas’s number right now so that I can help him forget all about those purity rings those Jonas boys keep harping about. But since, I’m pretty sure Nick is jailbait, I’ll wait patiently with the rest of the over-age bitches. The bitching and moaning all over the internet is that as long as Cyrus and pretty boy are not engaging in sexual activity, this relationship is legal and perfectly okay.

There are two things I know.

1. I know what I was doing as a twenty-year-old and it wasn’t Disney approved.

2. I personally know what twenty-year-old male models want to do for fun and once again it’s not PG-13.

Boys that get paid to stand around and look pretty are not happy with hand holding. They are shuttled around the world simply because of their great looks and even at twenty years old have more sexual experience than the average thirty-year-old dude.

I’m just saying. I’m not saying anything. But I’m just saying.

We’ve Lost Kumar to the White House

All I saw on the Yahoo headlines was “Character's Sudden Death” and next to the headline was a picture of Kal Penn a.k.a. Kumar of Harold and Kumar. In a panic, my heart fell into my ass because I thought this was saying that Penn had died suddenly.

I took a deep breath and a swig of Corona to focus my nerves. No. The big news is that his character on House died a tragic death. This is big news? You mother fuckers scared the shit out of me.

What does sadden me is that Kal Penn is leaving acting to work for Obama. He said that there will most likely not be anymore Harold and Kumar movies.

This is what is truly tragic.

My only request is that he or someone else since he is a big shot White House official now, finds his replacement in Hollywood. We need another cute Indian actor who doesn’t mind showing some skin from time to time. As it is, there are not too many Hollywood minority actors and here we have lost one to the White House Office of Public Liaison.

Harold and Kumar are Asian and Indian folk’s Bill and Ted. Think of all the Asian and Indian people that have been touched by their performances. Me. Um. My brother? Um. My cousins maybe? Lots of other people I’m sure!

So, let’s pour out a little liquor (in my case Corona) for the abrupt end of the acting career of Kal Penn and the dearly-loved Harold and Kumar movies.

Hold on to Your Grocery Carts

I dragged my ass to the grocery store because I literally only had 5 cans of pinto beans, cereal but no milk, and 6 fruit cups. If you can think of a way I can throw these things together to make a tasty meal, please let me know, but I couldn’t so I finally went to the grocery store.

I like to bring my own reusable bags, being the half ass environmentalist I am. I made a concerted effort to bring them with me this time, since I often forget them on grocery outings. I was minding my own business with my cart full of waffles, tofu, and my beloved reusable bags. I reasoned since I didn’t live in Oakland or D.C. anymore it would be perfectly acceptable to place my cart behind me while I foraged through the frozen vegetable section.

Wrong. I was dead wrong.

As soon as I had picked out my frozen vegetable faves: broccoli stir fry, snap peas, and asparagus, I turned around and my cart was gone. I was like: “Heeeeeeeeyyyyyllll No!” Actually, I may have said this a bit loud because the three forty-year old housewives in the aisle looked up startled. Some retard took my cart and left me with a completely empty one. My first thought was: Some little bitch thinks they are going to take my reusable bags? I paid a good $1.99 for each one of those fuckers.

So, I did what any crazy hungover bitch would do, I ran my ass all over the store looking for my cart. Other customers must have thought I had lost a child. The whole time I’m running around saying out loud to myself, “Oh. Hell no. Are you fucking serious?” I scoured the aisles looking for the perpetrator.

And then there was my cart with my frozen waffles and my reusable bags. When that thief ho wasn’t looking I exchanged the empty cart for mine and trotted off to the bread aisle just so that bitch could have the same reaction that I did when she snatched my shit. I finished my grocery shopping with one hand on the cart and one eye looking sideways in case there were to be a repeat offense.

This economy must be that fucked up if whores are trying to steal each other’s reusable bags. Seriously.

Paul Walker: The New Pretty Boy of Hollywood Action Movies

Sweet Jesus has answered my prayers. There is a new starlet who is making his way through the Hollywood ranks as the new hot piece in action flicks. Not that I would ever in a million years say that the beauty, grace, and deliciousness of Keanu Reeves could ever be replicated in anyone, aside from a son my dear Keanu hopefully sires one day, but Paul Walker is the Keanu of the Disney Generation. I mean who didn’t watch Eight Below thirty-five times?

I did. And I’m not lying.

I’m on the cusp of the Disney Generation and my generation, Generation X. I witnessed Keanu’s debut in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure and followed his career ever since. I have likewise observed Paul Walker’s career trajectory as an actor who makes lots of movies mostly because he is a whopping big piece of eye candy. This massive allotment of sweetness brings in bank, just look at Keanu’s track record.

Like Reeves, Walker tends to act like himself over and over again only in different settings, which is absolutely fine with me. He can do whatever he wants as long as he continues to show us his pretty little face, rock hard abs and ass. (There is a scene of his precious ass in Running Scared. Rent it now as soon as you're done reading this.) If he wants to star in 9 Fast and 9 Furious, Fast and the Furious on Christmas Vacation, Fast and the Furious 17: Redemption Day, Fast and the Furious 35: The Final Frontier, or any other variation on the Fast and Furious franchise, he should because I will watch these movies. And you damn well know I will.

Never mind that The Fast and the Furious came out in 2000 and they decided to name the newest addition to the franchise, Fast & Furious, which opens this weekend. The movie must be that good if they wasted all the creative talent on the actual plot and not on making a new or at least catchy variation on the original movie title. This is what I’m hoping, but I honestly do not care. I like fast cars and fast boys. So this movie should give me what I want. It’s not going to win any Oscars, so please don’t be disappointed when it fails to deliver poignant scenes and heartwarming performances.

I just have one hope for Paul Walker’s newest film: Paul and dozens of other beautifully sculpted people naked, racing cars and delivering memorable quotes like: “You’re gonna need more than that crotch rocket.”

Crotch rocket? Brilliant line. Right up there with, “Here’s looking at you, kid.”

Run out to the movie theaters, folks, and please watch this flick because we all must be in support of Paul Walker and his newly branded starlet status as the new pretty boy of Hollywood action movies.

Oh and Vin Diesel is in the movie, too. He’s not bad to look at either, but not exactly a pretty boy.

Biggest Pet Peeve in Films: Landlines

Scene:

Apartment. No one is home.

Telephone rings. Answering machine picks up.

A frantic voice plays aloud through the answering machine usually to transmit some important message or to foreshadow to the audience that some fucked up shit is about to happen because the owner of the apartment has missed the crucial call.

Great scene except for one critical element: People don’t have landlines anymore. Well, let me rephrase that: Young people don’t have landlines anymore or answering machines to record vital messages. My mother has a landline and an answering machine, but she is also 62 years old and goes to Bi-Lo on Wednesday for her senior citizen discount. Unless the scene in the movie involves senior citizens and harried phone calls about produce sales, this classic scene is now unrealistic.

How many times in films have the characters lamented, “I just missed her! She isn’t home! What am I going to do? How will she get this information so that she doesn’t die?”

Well, one way, asshole, is to call her on her cell phone.

Most modern citizens have cell phones now. Catch up filmmakers. I use my cell phone as my main communication utility, but I don’t even use the voicemail application on my phone very much. If it was so important, you would have texted me a message, right? And if I were going to die, hopefully, one of you would call, text, e-mail, or write on my facebook wall to tell me some important information that will prevent me from my untimely death.

Now that I have said this… I bet the first film I ever work on will have this scene in it and I will have to retract what I just said in this blog post, but until then…