My Engagement Photos Will Look Something Like This

People are going to murder me for saying this, but the new trend of "magazine style" engagement photos is really lame. These pictures never look cool. The couple is either in front of a fountain, skipping along a street, or in some other trite setting. They are contorted into any number of cheesy poses that look awkward, unnatural, and monotonous. 55 pictures of staring into each other’s eyes, awkwardly embracing in front of a fountain, or dreamily walking down a boring street? Um. Ya. Looks great.

My friends tell me that when I plan my wedding they are going to remind me of my diatribe against engagement photos. Go ahead. Print out this blog post and save it for later. But you better laminate it because I’m never getting married. I will mostly shack up with some dude, who I will subsequently mate with, but I will never walk down an aisle unless someone drugs/drags me. So, unless you have a steady supply of Rohypnol and a strong arm, I’m not doing it. Cuison I was born. Cuison I will always be.

However, if I were to ever get married (Lord knows I’ve been engaged more than once. Ya, ya. Those stories are for another day.) and commence to get engagement photos done, they would look something like this.

And as for bridal photos, I'll do something like this.

Because seriously, when I get married, the nuptials will take place in wintry landscape located in hell.

So I might as well go all out, right?

Nothing Tastes as Good as Skinny Feels

When an interviewer asked Kate Moss what mottos she uses in everyday life, she replied with the “controversial” statement: "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels", which caused a media tirade against the model.

The chick that made millions for being particularly androgynously skinny and starting the heroin chic trend is catching heat for this statement?

Skinny feels good, people. -Especially if it lets you roll around in millions of dollars. (AND if it enabled you the stardom to meet and date Johnny Depp, who I imagine feels really good.)

It’s her job to be skinny. She was made a millionaire for being skinny. But the minute she states the obvious. -That’s she’s fucking skinny. We are ready to burn her at the stake. The modeling industry calls for skinny girls and Moss is just doing her job. To help her remember that she was made one rich bitch for being thin, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” is the motto she tells herself.

Skinny does feel good. Industrialized nations are ridden with an obesity epidemic. Americans are lazy and fat with cardiovascular disease and diabetes. So, skinny feels really good in physical terms.

I adore Kate Moss. She is the fashion icon of the century. Photographers camp outside of her house just to take a photo of what she’s wearing for the day. She’s the rock star of the modeling world and says whatever she feels and in this case, whatever is the obvious truth. If you want to be a model like Kate Moss, you have to be skinny. Just like if I want to be an Olympic gold Track star, I need to run fast. Or if I want to be a mathematician, I better know how to add.

To be skinny, or thin, which is may be a less offensive term, is hard. It’s easy to sit around and eat whatever the fuck you want and to never work out, but it is unhealthy. That’s the truth. Is it healthy to be anorexic? No, it’s not either.

Did Moss suggest that everyone should be as thin as she? I don’t think so.

What is most important is to be comfortable with your own body. Blasting a supermodel for how she feels about her body is not the point. Blaming her for millions of teenage girls that aspire to be skinny like her is not the point. The problem with women (including teens) is lack of self-esteem and self-acceptance. Who the fuck cares what a skinny British model thinks about being skinny if you’ve accepted who you are.

Kate Moss Was Done an Injustice

Kate Moss came in dead last in Glamour’s Top 50 Glamorous Women. Are you goddamn kidding?

This is the woman that ushered in heroin chic in the 90’s.

This is the woman that wore skinny jeans before anyone else did and started a skinny jean revolution when skinny jeans, in all honesty, should only be worn by a select few women (and I’m not one of them).

This is the woman that bumped her waif parts all over Johnny Depp and then said, “Nah. I’m good.” Only to drive him to find a woman to bear his children that kinda sorta looks like Kate. Depp has even been quoted saying that he felt he wasn't good enough for her. Damn.

This woman is the fashion icon of the century.

Let me say this again.

This woman is the fashion icon of the century.

Unlike most of the other glamorous women on Glamour’s List, Kate does not have a stylist. Whatever she’s wearing, she thought of it herself.

She has photographers camping outside of her house just to get a shot her outfit. Her look is put together without looking put together.

If you are sitting there thinking to yourself, that you have never heard of Kate Moss as a leading fashionista then you probably agreed with Glamour’s ranking. I love Kate Winslet, Michelle Obama, and the others noted on the list, but seriously: Kate Moss as dead last?

This chick decides to wear gladiator sandals, bed head, black blazers, or leopard prints and then it becomes the trend of the season. Most of the trendy shit you have ever worn is because some time ago the idea popped in little Kate’s head and then all of a sudden leggings, Minnetonka moccasin boots, Uggs, or ballet flats became the absolute chic must-have. She is solely behind a number of trends. I kid you not. Google it. Wikipedia that shit. It's true.

She was done an injustice!