The Break Up Text and The Facebook Dump

A relationship that lives by text, dies by text.

I was told that breaking up via text was ill-mannered, rude, and cruel. I only give as much in a relationship as I get in return. If I happened to break it off with you through a nice short text, you probably had that shit coming to you. I might.. MIGHT explain myself further through e-mail and that's only so I don't have to hash it out in person. I'm better... Let's say "nicer" on paper (or LCD screen in this case) than I am in person, if you treated me like shit.

I don't get what the big deal is. The boys that were genuine and truly caring to me get actual face to face conversations or maybe even a follow up phone call after it's all said in done. But the dickheads, the narcissists, the assholes, the douche bags... Sorry. You gave me a pile a shit and I'm giving it right back in a nice digital package. If most of our relationship entailed bullshit text messages, then why not end it with the same kind of digital bullshit. For example:

"Not working out. Take care!"

"Can't do this anymore. Take care!"

"Please don't call me ever again. Take care!"

"I'll alwyz luv u, but can't be with u anymore. Take care!"

"Need space. Take care."

"FYI: We r over. Take care!"

Always end these break up texts with, "Take care!", because that's a sweet little way of saying "Fuck you!"

I am a pro at the break up text. However, I have yet to do the facebook dump. This is the new phenomenon where you change your relationship status on facebook before you tell your significant other it's over. This is the new and improved Oprah dump. (I'm referring to when Matt Damon told Oprah he broke up with Minnie Driver before he actually told poor Minnie; she found out watching the show.)

Your ex-significant other logs onto Facebook and finds that you have changed your relationship status to single. You do not inform him/her; you just let him/her figure it out that it's over. What a sweetie!

Welcome to the digital age of dating.

Take care!

The First Husbands Club

Johnny Lee Miller was Angelina Jolie's First Husband

I’m an old maid. I’ve been told this time and time again. I’m nearly 31 and not married. I dodged a few engagements and have remained matrimonially unchained. But what bothers me the most is that time is eking by and I have still not chosen my first husband.

First Husband? Yes. Starter Husband. -The equivalent to the first wife. -First wives club. You know what I’m referring to. I don’t have a current husband who will later become my first husband when my younger and sprightlier second husband comes along knocking him off his throne.

When I get my shit together, start publishing more of my work, move to LA to further exploit myself as a writer of any shape or form, and then finally, FINALLY get my break, I need my first husband there to tearfully recount to Larry King years later what, when, where, how, why, and who I dumped him for.

Don’t get me wrong! My first husband will get properly compensated, of course. He would be the dutiful spouse through all the years of struggle and sweat that cleaned up the house before I had a housekeeper, tended to the kids before I had nannies, and barely ever saw me because I was too busy "working". It will be a win, win situation. I’ll throw him a nice severance package and maybe let him keep my last name. (That’s right. I’m not changing my surname for anyone.)

But time is ticking! And most guys look at a girl like me in my age range and think: “She’s looking for a lifetime commitment!” No, honey, I’m just looking for a commitment until I get a regular gig writing on Lifetime… or any other network that will take me.

That's my goal for my 32nd birthday: find my first husband/ starter husband before my second younger husband comes along. How can you appreciate your second round of golf, if you have never had a first?

And one of my ex-boyfriends recently told me I was cold-hearted... I don't get it.

Five Things Not to Say to a Girl Unless You Truly Mean It

"Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off." -Natalie Portman's character in Closer.

"Lying is the most fun a guy can have in hopes of taking his clothes off." -Me.

I took some time this weekend to reminisce over past relationships, since yet again another one bit the dust... hard. I mean that shit died, reincarnated, and died again by decapitation. At any rate, I compiled a list of five things to not say to a girl unless you truly mean it. I suppose this list can be applied to women, as well and I’m sure some guy out there can cite me for committing one of these transgressions.

I. I love you.

This is number one simply because this statement is bad enough as it is when not heartfelt and exponentially egregious in combination with any other statement on the list. Only say this shit if you really mean it.

Even if you feel it and want to impulsively say it. Just wait. Wait long and hard. Wait until you have seen your ex girlfriend again and have sorted out your feelings. Wait until you've slept with your new girlfriend enough times to accept that she may be the only one you're going to hit for a long, long, long time.

When all that has happened and you've sat and had a long talk about your feelings with yourself, then you can say it. But you better mean it, dickhead.

2. I want to marry you.

Only say this without having any love feelings if you are looking for a green card. And only say this after you have imagined her 30 years older, fatter, and grumpier. Uh huh. That's what I said. Then this statement is permissible.

3. I miss you.

Don't get on your little texting apparatus and send girls this shit if you don't mean it. If you missed us so damn much, then why are you not with us? Long distance relationships are another thing, but when you live in the same damn 10 mile radius, it just sounds fishy, son.

4. I just know you're the one for me.

Wait until your dick isn't hard, the lights are on, and you are not drunk. Step away from the girl. Sit four feet away from her in a well lit room to remind yourself that this is a real person who is listening to whatever bullshit you are telling her. Then think about if you really mean that shit. That's all I ask, ok?

5. I will always love you.

You're not fucking Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard, so stop the melodrama. We don't need you to give us trite statements about how your love for us is so deep and profound that it will last for all time. Unless you plan to live a life like the dude in Love in the Time of Cholera who waited for that chick, shut the fuck up.

This post is meant to be tongue in cheek. Like keep your damn tongue in your cheek if you are unsure or iffy about any of these statements.

There are a number of lies out there that any decent human being says to his or her mate, but these are the 5 most obnoxious statements often said fleetingly that are really annoying.

The Shackles of Domesticity

I have a penchant for carrying on in longtime meaningless relationships and an accompanying habit of flying through short ephemeral meaningful ones.

I like love in movies. Stories of fantastic meetings, falling helplessly in love while on some reckless misadventure. Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist. Before Sunrise. Or the love that is deeply rooted in destiny that any chaos will not disrupt the fated course. Serendipity. Amelie. Even stories of love so profound and full of tragedy. Romeo and Juliet. Closer.

It’s the every day. The mundane. The ordinary that bores me. The: Who’s turn is it to wash the dishes? Why didn’t you call me back? What do you want to have for dinner tonight? I’m going to bed early; I’m tired.

Boring.

I like the beginnings. Love stories are always about the beginnings and the ends of relationships. The thrill of someone new. The ache of someone lost. These are the stories that move us.

These are the only relationships I tend to have and thrive on. It’s the clichéd boredom in the middle that makes me want to stab myself to shake me out of the monotony.

I’m hot or cold. Fast or slow. Depending on who you are to me.

I fall in love every two weeks. I tend to meet people easily. I tend to connect with people wildly and unrestrained. Hence, the falling in love. Hence, the every two weeks. It must be because my love for movies. For stories. Romantic heedless ones. Hapless lovers crossing paths unexpectedly and falling in love fast and free.

Or I might just have ADHD.

Pretty Boys will be the Downfall of Me

My boy companion and I watched some quality television programming last night, TMZ. They were showing some footage of Jessica Alba walking her dog or something.

He turned to me in a confessional voice and said, “Even if I was married, if I had a chance, I’d have sex with Jessica Alba.”

I turned to him and said with an even graver, sterner voice, “That’s it? Just her? My list is like 35 people.”

Needless to say, the convo ended abruptly right there. I recall he looked at me like I was crazy. Maybe I am. I suspect that other girls… -Girls not easily enchanted by good looking men might have been aghast at his statement or even report maybe one or two people on their “ultimate list.” Not me. I’m not a normal girl.

And here is my list of 35 top guys worth risking a marriage for.

1. Keanu Reeves
2. Jack White
3. Adrien Brody
4. Christian Bale
5. Joaquin Phoenix
6. Paul Walker
7. George Clooney
8. Zac Efron
9. John Mayer
10. David Beckham
11. A certain Charleston musician
12. Kal Penn (Kumar)
13. Rob Marciano (the best meteorologist in the universe)
14. Jason Schwartzman
15. Robert Schwartzman (lead singer of Rooney and brother of #14)
16. Owen and Luke Wilson
17. Nico Stai (musician from LA)
18. Billy Joe
19. Brandon Flowers
20. Gavin Rossdale
21. Vince Vaughn
22. Matt Damon
23. Adrien Grenier
24. Bill Clinton
25. A certain artist based in the SF Bay
26. Cristiano Ronaldo
27. The Jonas Brothers
28. Shia LaBeaouf
29. Rob Pattison
30. Jimmy Fallon
31. James McAvoy
32. Ewan McGregor
33. Hayden Christiansen
34. Topher Grace
35. Danny Masterson

I suggest writing out your own ultimate lists and present them to your significant others. My only suggestion is to maybe leave out actual people you know. Like if you have a hankering for your man’s best friend, go ahead and keep that to yourself.