The Frenemy

I read somewhere in some chick mag that the frenemy phenomenon is an unavoidable part of life for a woman. (Frenemy is the clever smashing together of the words, friend and enemy.) The article went on to describe Gwyneth Paltrow’s experience with her alleged best frenemy, Winona Ryder. Poor Gwyneth, but we are yet to hear Ryder’s point of view.

In any case, you know what? As a way to kick off my 31st birthday, I eliminated all the frenemies in my life. Girlfriends that are passive aggressive, conniving, manipulative, back-stabbing, shit talking, controlling, and jealous will no longer be part of my close knit friendship network. If women were to actually de-friend all their frenemies they would be left with only a handful of girlfriends on their facebook/myspace/real life friend database. So, instead, we will call these women that are only friends with you to talk shit about you behind your back or even passive aggressively in your face, acquaintance enemies.

Because a friend. –A real friend by definition does not try to fuck you over and doesn’t laugh at your disappointments and short-comings in life. A person who does this is surely your enemy. The extraction of these chicks in my everyday life has freed my time up to attend to other stress free activities. There is no drama. There are no hurt feelings. There are no countless hours spent talking to my real friends about why she did this? Or why did she say that? Or why is she so mean to me?

It is the jealous nature of women that steered me to seek friendships in men, who are less dramatic, less back-stabbing, and rarely if ever, passive aggressive. Passive aggression is the cowardly, pussy way of being aggressive. Either own up to being a bitch or don’t be one, but don’t be a bitch disguised in sugary sweet bullshit.

A senior stock broker, a fast-talking New York City Jewish playboy, I once worked for one long summer in San Francisco would tell me almost everyday to motivate me, “Lift up your skirt. Grab your balls. And be a man.”

Wherever he is, I will make him proud.

So, with my massive imaginary balls in hand, I want to tell all the frenemies I have acquired throughout my thirty-one years of life,

Suck it.

Get over Yourself. You're not that Special.

Part 2: She's not a psycho bitch. She just really likes you.

I grew up with an older brother and have always felt more comfortable with boys. I have more guy friends than girl friends. Some have said that I'm like a gay guy stuck in a chick's body. Awesome. Well put. I couldn’t have better summed up my personality myself.

In our special bonding "guy time" playing video games, getting drunk, going to strip clubs, and watching porn, I have heard a fair share of stories about crazy psycho bitches.

There is something that you guys don't realize. She's not a psycho bitch. She just really likes you.

Take the same behavior of some crazy psycho bitch in your life. Now, imagine some incredibly hot chick that you want to marry, is doing the same psycho shit. It isn't so psycho anymore, is it? Nope. Now, that crazy psycho shit is cute.

Don't get me wrong. There are real bona fide crazy psycho bitches out there. The ones that boil your pet bunny or get knocked up to trap you. They are out there, boys. So beware! But I'm talking about the girls that like you, but you don't like them. But they continue to do things as if you did like them.

When a chick you like calls you or texts you periodically throughout the day, you love that shit. You eat that shit up, but when a chick you don't like texts you once in 7 days, she is stalking you! She won't get off your back. You are irritated at this psycho bitch that won’t give you space.

And do you blame girls? Take it easy on them. Remember, most girls (98% of the population) don't have sex to have sex. They have sex to feel close to someone... anyone. And when you fuck them and plan to never speak to them again, even if it was just one time, even if you don't even know her last name, even if you plan on leaving the country two hours after the lay, she will feel hurt. She will want an explanation. She will be outright devastated, crying to her girlfriends, "What does it all mean?"

So remember this, dudes, when you are out and about in the dating world: Is a quick and easy lay worth it? (Most importantly, keep in mind that 98% of the time, there is no such thing as a quick and easy lay to begin with.)

And for chicks: stop having sex with dudes that don't give you a commitment beforehand, if what you want is a commitment.

Get over Yourself. You're not that Special.

After a particularly drama-filled month of relationship crimes and misdemeanors from the lives of several of my friends (women and men), I decided to give you all my own valuable advice in written form for you to cherish and ruminate over time and time again. This is part one of the two part series, Get Over Yourself. You’re not that Special.

Part 1: He’s Not an Asshole. He Just Doesn’t Like You.

IF A DUDE ACTS LIKE HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU, HE DOESN’T.

Many of you may think that my advice is based on that incredibly redundant chick lit book, He's Not That into You, but it doesn't take a neurosurgeon with a doctorate in psychology to figure out human interactions. It just takes common sense.

Women congregate all over the world to discuss, analyze, and agonize over some dude's every move. Asking each other:

What do you think it means when he doesn't call?

Why doesn't he answer my texts?

Why doesn't he make time for me in his schedule?

Why does he ignore me in public?

Why did he get a restraining order against me?

There are numerous variations to these questions, but the same answer remains. He doesn't like you.

If a dude acts like he doesn't dig you, he damn well doesn't. Period.

Men are not mysterious. They are hunters. If they want you, trust me you will know. If they do any number of things that hurt you, make you cry, make you feel unwanted, or make you feel like he doesn't care for you, then he probably doesn't.

He's not an asshole. Moreover, he's just an asshole... to you.

Same principle applies to women. I've been accused of being a raging bitch. I'm not a bitch; I just didn't like you enough to consider you when I made decisions or acted on my impulses. Simple. Sorry. It's true.

This is the important aspect of this advice: he/she may like you, but not enough if you are crying/whining about why he/she doesn't do this or doesn't do that, or does this or does that. If they are not doing things that make you feel wanted, get the fuck out of there. Fuck them! (Not literally though because that’s probably what got you in this situation in the first place.)

The important question to ask yourself is: Why the hell would you want to be with someone who gives a half ass attempt to win your affection anyway?

Top 5 Under 25

School is back in session. As a tribute to all the young twenty something boys crawling around this tiny town, jam-packed with students from Medical University of South Carolina, College of Charleston, Charleston School of Law, et. al, I bring you my top five under 25.

I love this town. I keep getting older and the boys stay the same age.

Welcome back!

1. Cristiano Ronaldo- Age: 24. Height: 6'1"
He plays soccer or something. Who cares, right? Keep it up, kid. Whatever helps you look like this.


2. Zac Efron -Age: 21 Height: 5'10"
So pretty.



3. Emile Hirsch- Age: 24 Height: 5'7"


4. Robert Pattison- Age: 23 Height: 6'1"
Hate to be trite, but dude deserves recognition.


5. Joe Jonas -Age: 20 Height: 5'9"
Purity ring my ass.