Inception Spoiler Alert, Bitches.

I literally cleared my schedule to see Inception this week before anymore assholes talked about it. CNN won’t stop posting stories about it and dickheads won’t stop posting hints about the plot in their status updates. So, I made time in my 80 hour work week to see the 2 hour and 28 minute masterpiece.

I was blown away. Mouth open. Eyes glued. Nails bitten. I loved it. Loved it!

Ensemble cast. And not just any ensemble cast. They actually picked talented actors instead of throwing any big name no talent assholes onto the screen.

The story is intricate and confusing, but also simple and unambiguous at the same time. It’s an action adventure with love, a heart wrenching Love in the Time of Cholera kind of love. -The kind of love, that when I walked out of that theater, I hoped I would never find in my lifetime. Because that’s the kind of love you lose your mind over, take impractical risks for, and can only dream about.

It was beautiful, visually stunning, unnerving, thought-provoking, and just fucking spectacular.

Christopher Nolan wove together a complicated concept, but cleverly kept the driving motivation of the film to a simple universal emotion, love. You thought you were in store for a macho action-heavy caper flick and before you knew it, you just watched one of the greatest love stories ever written.

Brilliant.

Video Calls Will Destroy My Game (And Yours)

I just saw a disturbing commercial for video phone calls for iPhones. I do not want this to catch on. I like talking on the phone when I look like shit. You mean to tell me, I'm going to have to put a damn shirt on just to answer a phone call. Nonsense! Absurd!

Not only that, how many times have I been on the phone with a dude and I'm rolling my eyes the entire time. How am I going to control my eyes from doing this? Video calls will eliminate the freedom we have from doing whatever we want on the other end.

How about when you're with your boyfriend and your husband calls? You won't be able to pick up the phone. You're just going to have to let it ring and deal with consequences of not answering later.

Video calls will destroy us all. We will have to be more honest people or we will all have to take acting classes.

I am boycotting video calls. If you want to keep your husband and your boyfriend, I suggest you do the same.

Just Because You have a Dick Doesn't Mean You Know How To Use It

Through my travels in life, I have unfortunately happened upon dudes that are so arrogant that they claim to be an authority on everything. Or at least an authority over anything that I can do. It doesn’t matter what it is. I could be an astronaut and dude could be a bartender, he will tell me the ins and outs of NASA, as if I wouldn’t already know about it.

It’s always a treat to run into these dudes. They come in all sizes, shapes, and ages with the same irritating attitude that they are the best. I am unsure if this behavior is further compounded by the fact that I’m a woman. Maybe these guys are arrogant pricks to other dudes, too. I don’t know.

My point is that if you are an articulate and intelligent woman these dudes are at a loss of how to act. They are supposed to wear the pants and women are supposed to acknowledge that. They do what they can to tear you down, insult you on the sly, and assert their dominance over the given situation.

I’m too old and too tired for that bullshit. Just because you have a dick doesn’t mean you know how to use it. Doesn’t mean you’re the best at everything. Doesn’t make you an authority over anything a woman can do simply because you're a man. My womaness doesn’t prevent me from being talented, ambitious or intelligent. You need to grab that dick of yours and accept that there are women out there who are better at some things than you are.

Heed my advice because we (men and women) all just think you're annoying.

For the love of God, my obsession with Matt Damon must stop

I have this habit or hobby rather, to collect Matt Damon look-alikes. It started Spring Break 1998. He was from Boston and he was beautiful… like Matt Damon. I can’t even remember this kid’s real name because he will forever be imprinted in my mind as my first Matt Damon. Kids, you can laugh, but you can’t make this kind of shit up. I unintentionally collect Matt Damon look-alikes as real life boy toys.

I often even lie to myself and tell myself that I don’t even like Matt Damon. I protest up and down whenever one of the Bourne movies comes on tv, but I secretly am enamored from the corner of my eye.

Throughout the years, there have been more Matt Damons, regardless of whatever I try to tell myself to do. Take a room full of guys. I will make a beeline for the dude that somewhat somehow kinda sorta maybe a little bit resembles from afar Matt Damon. It’s true. Dear God! It’s true!

It’s time for me to face my problem. I often carry on in ridiculous entanglements with guys simply because of their Matt Damon-ness physical qualities. Dude could be a narcissistic capitalist Republican and I would overlook this because of what he looks like. I fear that the only way I will get over this obsession is to actually nail the real Matt Damon. Is this going to happen for me?

Probably not.

So, what do I do? Nothing. I guess collect more Matt Damons. Maybe I should switch to Ben Afflecks…

Nah. Now we all know that is pure nonsense.