My Royal Wedding Assessment

I didn’t wake up at some ridiculous ungodly hour to watch the Royal Wedding. Mostly because I was still awake and still drinking at 4 am this morning. I did catch a glimpse of the ceremony on CNN.

Here is my assessment. I know you are dying to hear it.

1.Kate Middleton is just lovely.

Most of my motivation to see the ceremony is to see this pretty girl. I love pretty people. Her dress was beautiful and demure. She looked magnificent.

2. William is looking more and more like his father everyday.

Dare I say it! William is going bald. Poor boy. That’s all I have to say about this for the sake of not being an asshole.

3. When did Prince Harry become such a hottie?

I was like: who is that ginger hottie next to William? OMG. Harry? My, my, look how you have grown?! Nice work.

After watching the clip, I thought how sad it was that the Prince Diana could not be at her son’s wedding. That was a beautiful elegant woman.

With that, those are my quick tidbits of wisdom on the “Event of the Century.” -The media's words, not mine. Century? It’s only 2011. Don’t you think when the machines take over or when aliens invade Earth that those may be better candidates for the event of the century? And not a wedding of two beautiful people?

Way to have priorities media.

Meanwhile, in less important news: there were some tornadoes or something in Alabama, Japan is still missing 88,000 people, some sort of crisis is happening Libya, and blah blah blah.

Support Fast Five. Support Mr. Walker.

Since I am the president of the Support Paul Walker organization, of which I am still the sole member, I am campaigning weeks in advance for Fast Five. Most purport that my interest in the Fast and Furious franchise is purely due to Paul Walker. I resent that vehemently.

Paul Walker is only 89% of the reason I've seen these movies hundreds of times. I like cool cars. Must you forget that I'm Asian? For god sakes! I watch Top Gear. (The BBC version. The American version is not nearly is good). I know what's up about cars. It's all good and dandy to remember I'm Asian when you need help with your math problems or need to borrow someone's wok or rice cooker, but you forget I'm Asian when it comes to cars. Asians love this shit. Have you ever heard of the term "rice rocket?"

Watch the Fast and Furious movies. This is important because there are actual Asians in them! The Fast and Furious movies have employed 96% of Asian actors in Hollywood, which is yet ANOTHER reason to watch Fast Five. (My statistics are based on whatever number pops in my head. There is no validity to what I claim to say.)

What is another reason to watch Fast Five on April 29th? T & A. I haven't seen that much T&A packed into a two minute trailer in my life. At 0:21 of the trailer: naked chicks. Genius! The makers of this film know what makes for a great entertainment experience and that's girls in their underwear twenty seconds into the trailer.

Can you even imagine what the entire film is going to be like? Most likely, an explosion of naked girls and ripped guy walking around in the background. The F&F filmmakers make sure to put hot people in every nook and cranny of the shot. The waiters are hot. The pedestrians are hot. The random girls dancing on top of cars are hot (0:52).

The people in this movie are breathtaking. Combine that with engines revving in the background. I'm sold. I'm bought. I will be this movie's whore.

Paul Walker's triceps never looked better. (I like triceps. Shut up.) Vin Diesel is brawny and brooding as ever. Jordana Brewster is smoking hot. (God! I wish she made more movies.) And there is a whole slew of other beautiful people to gawk at for two hours.

Is it Oscar award winning acting? Hell, I hope not! I can't be asked to pay attention to nuances in acting talent while there are all those hot people speeding around in beautiful cars.

Watch the trailer here:

You'll love it, if you know what good shit is. And go watch the movie when it comes out. I want them to keep making F&F movies forever and ever.

Amen.