Hold on to Your Grocery Carts

I dragged my ass to the grocery store because I literally only had 5 cans of pinto beans, cereal but no milk, and 6 fruit cups. If you can think of a way I can throw these things together to make a tasty meal, please let me know, but I couldn’t so I finally went to the grocery store.

I like to bring my own reusable bags, being the half ass environmentalist I am. I made a concerted effort to bring them with me this time, since I often forget them on grocery outings. I was minding my own business with my cart full of waffles, tofu, and my beloved reusable bags. I reasoned since I didn’t live in Oakland or D.C. anymore it would be perfectly acceptable to place my cart behind me while I foraged through the frozen vegetable section.

Wrong. I was dead wrong.

As soon as I had picked out my frozen vegetable faves: broccoli stir fry, snap peas, and asparagus, I turned around and my cart was gone. I was like: “Heeeeeeeeyyyyyllll No!” Actually, I may have said this a bit loud because the three forty-year old housewives in the aisle looked up startled. Some retard took my cart and left me with a completely empty one. My first thought was: Some little bitch thinks they are going to take my reusable bags? I paid a good $1.99 for each one of those fuckers.

So, I did what any crazy hungover bitch would do, I ran my ass all over the store looking for my cart. Other customers must have thought I had lost a child. The whole time I’m running around saying out loud to myself, “Oh. Hell no. Are you fucking serious?” I scoured the aisles looking for the perpetrator.

And then there was my cart with my frozen waffles and my reusable bags. When that thief ho wasn’t looking I exchanged the empty cart for mine and trotted off to the bread aisle just so that bitch could have the same reaction that I did when she snatched my shit. I finished my grocery shopping with one hand on the cart and one eye looking sideways in case there were to be a repeat offense.

This economy must be that fucked up if whores are trying to steal each other’s reusable bags. Seriously.