Just Because You have a Dick Doesn't Mean You Know How To Use It

Through my travels in life, I have unfortunately happened upon dudes that are so arrogant that they claim to be an authority on everything. Or at least an authority over anything that I can do. It doesn’t matter what it is. I could be an astronaut and dude could be a bartender, he will tell me the ins and outs of NASA, as if I wouldn’t already know about it.

It’s always a treat to run into these dudes. They come in all sizes, shapes, and ages with the same irritating attitude that they are the best. I am unsure if this behavior is further compounded by the fact that I’m a woman. Maybe these guys are arrogant pricks to other dudes, too. I don’t know.

My point is that if you are an articulate and intelligent woman these dudes are at a loss of how to act. They are supposed to wear the pants and women are supposed to acknowledge that. They do what they can to tear you down, insult you on the sly, and assert their dominance over the given situation.

I’m too old and too tired for that bullshit. Just because you have a dick doesn’t mean you know how to use it. Doesn’t mean you’re the best at everything. Doesn’t make you an authority over anything a woman can do simply because you're a man. My womaness doesn’t prevent me from being talented, ambitious or intelligent. You need to grab that dick of yours and accept that there are women out there who are better at some things than you are.

Heed my advice because we (men and women) all just think you're annoying.

The Freeze Out

Sorry is just a four letter word... with y on the end. -Eric Cartman

I've done some pretty fucked up things at the end of some of my relationships, but nothing takes the cake like the freeze out. I've never actually done the freeze out to anyone. I'm more of a fade out kind of chick. The fade out is where you gradually decrease the amount of time and attention you give to your significant other and before he/she realizes it, the relationship is over. The freeze out is more abrupt. Like a punch in the face, if you will. One minute the two of you are together, making plans for the next day or whatever, but then BAM! He/she just doesn't ever talk to you again. He doesn't return calls and texts. He vanishes. Disappears. Without an explanation. Without a good-bye. Or even a fuck you.

Nope. Not even a fuck you.

What is most humiliating about the freeze out is that your ass doesn't even know you're being frozen out. So, you carry on with normal everyday activities as if you two were still together. You text. You call. You expect that plans you made two days ago are actually going to happen. Since you had no idea that your significant other broke up with you without you knowing it, you give him the benefit of the doubt that he is just busy or his phone is on the fritz or even that he got hit by a car. What other reason would there be that this relationship that you thought was going splendidly was, in fact, over.

It's not until day 3, you start to worry. You call your friends. You ask around. Have you seen him/her? Maybe he/she is really dead? Maybe he/she is lying in an ICU as John or Jane Doe and no one knows he/she is incapacitated. You think that there is no way that your dude/chick is just not calling you back. Impossible!

But then, a friend of a friend of a friend will inform you that your boyfriend was spotted out on the town last night alive and well.

“Did he have any scratches, lacerations or bruises that would indicate he was in some sort of traumatic accident?” you ask.

“No,” your friend of a friend of a friend replies.

“Did he look like he was suffering from amnesia from an accident that possibly did not leave any visible marks?”

“No.”

Oh... Well. Fuck.

So, you commence to have conversations with yourself because your boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend, you guess) will not call you or even acknowledge that you existed in his life. You try to achieve closure with yourself through your long truly pitiful discussions with just yourself. You start to think you have multiple personality disorder or that there is something wrong with you because these long drawn out conversations last for hours. You maybe try one more time to contact him through e-mail, text, or a voicemail. You even consider hiring a skywriter or sending a telegram. But these efforts go unanswered. You have been frozen out, honey. And it's fucking cold.

Throughout the next week, you will suffer through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance that this person you spent time with had really no respect for you at all. -Not enough to even let you know that you have been let go. And you run over your mind the last time you were together. You are embarrassed that you trusted this person.

After all this, self-probing and wretched humiliation, you come to the realization that this person can go fuck himself.

And this is finally your closure.

You thaw yourself out from the freeze out and move the fuck on.