My Top Five and Why

Here’s my top five of all time (or just right now). Not that you give a shit, but my opinion is valuable and you’re probably not doing anything productive anyway.

1. Keanu Reeves: Just shut your mouth. His face is perfection, which is awesome since sometimes his acting is less than. But honestly, half the time when I watch his movies I hardly even notice that he’s talking. He could be in silent films for the rest of his career and I would see every single one. Let’s try not to be too hard on the dude he provided great performances in: Bill and Ted’s, Matrix, The Lake House, and I Scanner Darkly. Keanu, whatever you do, I will always love you, Whitney Houston style.

2. Jack White: Everything this man touches turns to gold. He’s a musical genius with a work ethic of a medical student, only cooler and less annoying. His eccentric nature only makes him more fascinating. A plus (a HUGE plus) is that a friend of mine saw him in concert when Meg wasn’t suffering from anxiety (poor thing) and Mr. White apparently has a dong down to his knees. I don’t care what that rag, People Magazine, has to say, Jack White is the sexiest man alive.

3. Joaquin Phoenix: I dig the unkempt beard, the sunglasses, and the homeless look. I dig whatever it is Joaquin wants to do. Not only is he a talented actor, but he doesn’t give a fuck. He’s vegan, which would probably be hard to deal with on the daily, but I could work through it. He’s a bit eccentric and gives interesting interviews, but his dark brooding disposition is absolutely magnificent.

4. Adrien Brody: This man is beautiful. If you don’t think so, you probably prefer some country music asshole to be your snuggle bunny. Just google some pictures of the lad and take a look see. (It’s okay. I’ll wait.) He’s tall as shit and as pretty as a tranny. What else do you want? Darjeeling Limited… He was so pretty in that. Fabulous actor, too.

5. Christian Bale: He has a temper. So what? You try walking around all beautiful with a six pack and bulging biceps without stopping every fifteen seconds to look at your perfect self. That would be hard on anyone. Did you see this man in American Psycho? Naked with a chainsaw chasing hookers. I’m in love. Now, he is John Connor? Perfect.

Other notable hotties that I am too lazy to offer explanations:
Joe Jonas (Shut your face. He’s a teenager, but don’t lie to yourself, he’s hawt.)
Zac Efron (Another teenager that I am dying to baby-sit.)
Seth Green (Robot Chicken is awesome.)
Rob Pattison (The Twilight vampire dude)
Shia LaBeouf
Giovanni Ribisi (I’ve been sweet on this mofo since Boiler Room.)
Ryan Phillipe
Jake Gyllenhall (Ryan’s arch enemy)
Topher Grace
Danny Masterson
Harold and Kumar
David Beckham
Gavin Rossdale
Brandon Flowers (Lead singer to Killers)

There are so many others. But we’d be here all day.