Five Things Not to Say to a Girl Unless You Truly Mean It

"Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off." -Natalie Portman's character in Closer.

"Lying is the most fun a guy can have in hopes of taking his clothes off." -Me.

I took some time this weekend to reminisce over past relationships, since yet again another one bit the dust... hard. I mean that shit died, reincarnated, and died again by decapitation. At any rate, I compiled a list of five things to not say to a girl unless you truly mean it. I suppose this list can be applied to women, as well and I’m sure some guy out there can cite me for committing one of these transgressions.

I. I love you.

This is number one simply because this statement is bad enough as it is when not heartfelt and exponentially egregious in combination with any other statement on the list. Only say this shit if you really mean it.

Even if you feel it and want to impulsively say it. Just wait. Wait long and hard. Wait until you have seen your ex girlfriend again and have sorted out your feelings. Wait until you've slept with your new girlfriend enough times to accept that she may be the only one you're going to hit for a long, long, long time.

When all that has happened and you've sat and had a long talk about your feelings with yourself, then you can say it. But you better mean it, dickhead.

2. I want to marry you.

Only say this without having any love feelings if you are looking for a green card. And only say this after you have imagined her 30 years older, fatter, and grumpier. Uh huh. That's what I said. Then this statement is permissible.

3. I miss you.

Don't get on your little texting apparatus and send girls this shit if you don't mean it. If you missed us so damn much, then why are you not with us? Long distance relationships are another thing, but when you live in the same damn 10 mile radius, it just sounds fishy, son.

4. I just know you're the one for me.

Wait until your dick isn't hard, the lights are on, and you are not drunk. Step away from the girl. Sit four feet away from her in a well lit room to remind yourself that this is a real person who is listening to whatever bullshit you are telling her. Then think about if you really mean that shit. That's all I ask, ok?

5. I will always love you.

You're not fucking Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard, so stop the melodrama. We don't need you to give us trite statements about how your love for us is so deep and profound that it will last for all time. Unless you plan to live a life like the dude in Love in the Time of Cholera who waited for that chick, shut the fuck up.

This post is meant to be tongue in cheek. Like keep your damn tongue in your cheek if you are unsure or iffy about any of these statements.

There are a number of lies out there that any decent human being says to his or her mate, but these are the 5 most obnoxious statements often said fleetingly that are really annoying.

Get over Yourself. You're not that Special.

Part 2: She's not a psycho bitch. She just really likes you.

I grew up with an older brother and have always felt more comfortable with boys. I have more guy friends than girl friends. Some have said that I'm like a gay guy stuck in a chick's body. Awesome. Well put. I couldn’t have better summed up my personality myself.

In our special bonding "guy time" playing video games, getting drunk, going to strip clubs, and watching porn, I have heard a fair share of stories about crazy psycho bitches.

There is something that you guys don't realize. She's not a psycho bitch. She just really likes you.

Take the same behavior of some crazy psycho bitch in your life. Now, imagine some incredibly hot chick that you want to marry, is doing the same psycho shit. It isn't so psycho anymore, is it? Nope. Now, that crazy psycho shit is cute.

Don't get me wrong. There are real bona fide crazy psycho bitches out there. The ones that boil your pet bunny or get knocked up to trap you. They are out there, boys. So beware! But I'm talking about the girls that like you, but you don't like them. But they continue to do things as if you did like them.

When a chick you like calls you or texts you periodically throughout the day, you love that shit. You eat that shit up, but when a chick you don't like texts you once in 7 days, she is stalking you! She won't get off your back. You are irritated at this psycho bitch that won’t give you space.

And do you blame girls? Take it easy on them. Remember, most girls (98% of the population) don't have sex to have sex. They have sex to feel close to someone... anyone. And when you fuck them and plan to never speak to them again, even if it was just one time, even if you don't even know her last name, even if you plan on leaving the country two hours after the lay, she will feel hurt. She will want an explanation. She will be outright devastated, crying to her girlfriends, "What does it all mean?"

So remember this, dudes, when you are out and about in the dating world: Is a quick and easy lay worth it? (Most importantly, keep in mind that 98% of the time, there is no such thing as a quick and easy lay to begin with.)

And for chicks: stop having sex with dudes that don't give you a commitment beforehand, if what you want is a commitment.

Get over Yourself. You're not that Special.

After a particularly drama-filled month of relationship crimes and misdemeanors from the lives of several of my friends (women and men), I decided to give you all my own valuable advice in written form for you to cherish and ruminate over time and time again. This is part one of the two part series, Get Over Yourself. You’re not that Special.

Part 1: He’s Not an Asshole. He Just Doesn’t Like You.

IF A DUDE ACTS LIKE HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU, HE DOESN’T.

Many of you may think that my advice is based on that incredibly redundant chick lit book, He's Not That into You, but it doesn't take a neurosurgeon with a doctorate in psychology to figure out human interactions. It just takes common sense.

Women congregate all over the world to discuss, analyze, and agonize over some dude's every move. Asking each other:

What do you think it means when he doesn't call?

Why doesn't he answer my texts?

Why doesn't he make time for me in his schedule?

Why does he ignore me in public?

Why did he get a restraining order against me?

There are numerous variations to these questions, but the same answer remains. He doesn't like you.

If a dude acts like he doesn't dig you, he damn well doesn't. Period.

Men are not mysterious. They are hunters. If they want you, trust me you will know. If they do any number of things that hurt you, make you cry, make you feel unwanted, or make you feel like he doesn't care for you, then he probably doesn't.

He's not an asshole. Moreover, he's just an asshole... to you.

Same principle applies to women. I've been accused of being a raging bitch. I'm not a bitch; I just didn't like you enough to consider you when I made decisions or acted on my impulses. Simple. Sorry. It's true.

This is the important aspect of this advice: he/she may like you, but not enough if you are crying/whining about why he/she doesn't do this or doesn't do that, or does this or does that. If they are not doing things that make you feel wanted, get the fuck out of there. Fuck them! (Not literally though because that’s probably what got you in this situation in the first place.)

The important question to ask yourself is: Why the hell would you want to be with someone who gives a half ass attempt to win your affection anyway?