What to Expect When Dating a Narcissist

(Marlon Brando- A famous narcissist)

I’ve dated narcissists. I would say every fifth guy I get involved with is one. A lot of the time a narcissist is an insanely great looking guy with charisma so captivating you are hardly aware of his egotistical self-centered agenda at first.

I have never been one to turn my back on a pretty face. So, I often get in relationships with these guys. These “relationships” never last because no matter how hot a guy is, some chick somewhere is tired of banging him (especially if he’s an arrogant prick.)

These are the kinds of things to expect when dating a narcissist.

1. You will never come first.
Girl, you won't even come second. Third. Or fourth. He is so tremendously important in his universe he will be the top four priorities in his life. He is physically, emotionally, psychologically, and physiologically incapable of even considering you and your needs.

2. He will belittle your attributes.
This behavior does not exhibit itself initially, but expect a denigration of your attributes at some point in your relationship. At first, you are beautiful, smart, witty, and everything he ever wanted. After some time, he will downplay your attributes and even group you into an overarching group of hot and intelligent women. "You're not that special. All hot women have this and this and do that and that." You were once uniquely awesome, but now you are ordinary. He will tell you that he's had dime pieces like you all his life and that you are not even in the top five.

3. He will compete with you.
The competition will span from looks to work achievements to where you went to undergrad to how many miles you ran at the gym. You will find yourself somehow entered into ridiculous competitions that he must always win.

4. He is a powerful omniscient being.

It doesn't matter if you are a neurosurgeon and he is a gas station attendant, he will tell you the proper way to perform a craniotomy. No fucking joke.

5. You are lucky to be with him.
Regardless of how shitty he treats you, he will tell you repeatedly a higher power has blessed you with his presence in your life.

These guys are often painfully beautiful and even endearing at first. Their charm can be smothering at times.

But these dudes should only be used and then quickly discarded. Trust me.

The Break Up Text and The Facebook Dump

A relationship that lives by text, dies by text.

I was told that breaking up via text was ill-mannered, rude, and cruel. I only give as much in a relationship as I get in return. If I happened to break it off with you through a nice short text, you probably had that shit coming to you. I might.. MIGHT explain myself further through e-mail and that's only so I don't have to hash it out in person. I'm better... Let's say "nicer" on paper (or LCD screen in this case) than I am in person, if you treated me like shit.

I don't get what the big deal is. The boys that were genuine and truly caring to me get actual face to face conversations or maybe even a follow up phone call after it's all said in done. But the dickheads, the narcissists, the assholes, the douche bags... Sorry. You gave me a pile a shit and I'm giving it right back in a nice digital package. If most of our relationship entailed bullshit text messages, then why not end it with the same kind of digital bullshit. For example:

"Not working out. Take care!"

"Can't do this anymore. Take care!"

"Please don't call me ever again. Take care!"

"I'll alwyz luv u, but can't be with u anymore. Take care!"

"Need space. Take care."

"FYI: We r over. Take care!"

Always end these break up texts with, "Take care!", because that's a sweet little way of saying "Fuck you!"

I am a pro at the break up text. However, I have yet to do the facebook dump. This is the new phenomenon where you change your relationship status on facebook before you tell your significant other it's over. This is the new and improved Oprah dump. (I'm referring to when Matt Damon told Oprah he broke up with Minnie Driver before he actually told poor Minnie; she found out watching the show.)

Your ex-significant other logs onto Facebook and finds that you have changed your relationship status to single. You do not inform him/her; you just let him/her figure it out that it's over. What a sweetie!

Welcome to the digital age of dating.

Take care!