My Case for Matt Damon

Time and time again I have to defend my obsession with Matt Damon. If you don’t like Matt Damon, then something is wrong with you.

Seriously. Look in the mirror. There is something wrong with you. He has a palpable charisma that radiates from the screen. He is a political activist. He is a committed husband and adoring father.

These are the obvious reasons why he is awesome. Here are a few more:

1. He won an Oscar for screenwriting.

Ever heard of Good Will Hunting? How do you like them apples? People like to snidely say he didn’t win an Oscar for acting. I know. Thanks for the clarification, smart ass. I’m a writer. I’m impressed by talented writers.

Most screenwriters don’t look like Matt Damon and most screenwriters don’t win Academy Awards, making a guy that looks like Matt Damon that won an Academy Award hotter than any of these two independent factors alone. Make sense? Forget it. It’s not your fault.

2. Jason Bourne

I really don’t think I need to say anything further.

3. He has historically been one of the most bankable leading men in Hollywood.

This mother fucker sells tickets. You put his name on a blank poster and people will come. I'm not the only person who likes Matt Damon. Millions of people love Matt Damon and will spend their money to watch him.

4. This. Seriously, how awesome is this

5. Boston boys always bring it.

For the love of God, my obsession with Matt Damon must stop

I have this habit or hobby rather, to collect Matt Damon look-alikes. It started Spring Break 1998. He was from Boston and he was beautiful… like Matt Damon. I can’t even remember this kid’s real name because he will forever be imprinted in my mind as my first Matt Damon. Kids, you can laugh, but you can’t make this kind of shit up. I unintentionally collect Matt Damon look-alikes as real life boy toys.

I often even lie to myself and tell myself that I don’t even like Matt Damon. I protest up and down whenever one of the Bourne movies comes on tv, but I secretly am enamored from the corner of my eye.

Throughout the years, there have been more Matt Damons, regardless of whatever I try to tell myself to do. Take a room full of guys. I will make a beeline for the dude that somewhat somehow kinda sorta maybe a little bit resembles from afar Matt Damon. It’s true. Dear God! It’s true!

It’s time for me to face my problem. I often carry on in ridiculous entanglements with guys simply because of their Matt Damon-ness physical qualities. Dude could be a narcissistic capitalist Republican and I would overlook this because of what he looks like. I fear that the only way I will get over this obsession is to actually nail the real Matt Damon. Is this going to happen for me?

Probably not.

So, what do I do? Nothing. I guess collect more Matt Damons. Maybe I should switch to Ben Afflecks…

Nah. Now we all know that is pure nonsense.