The Jack White (Karen Elson) Conundrum

So, what happened? Jack White produced his wife’s album and that intense time together led to their demise?

I can promise you three things.

1: I will never have a husband.

2: I will never make a record with him.

3. 1 and 2 are null and void, if Jack White is my husband.

Thus, my Jack White pseudo-theorem makes no sense.

Sorry, if I’ve wasted your time.

To make up for stealing 15 seconds of your reading life: Watch the video to a song that may or may not have contributed to their split.

And in all seriousness, working intensely especially in a creative venture is relationship suicide. Next time you want to break it off with your sweetie, but can’t figure out how, write a screenplay, produce a film, or record an album together.

The battle for creative control will drive that last nail in your relationship coffin.

Has Jack White not learned from his last failed marriage? Stop trying to make your wives rock stars. It will end badly. Hence, R.I.P. The White Stripes.

You don't like Jack White? Really?

I confessed to my friend of my borderline unhealthy obsession with Jack White. (It’s not really a confession since I’ve written about it in newspaper articles, my blog, status updates, etc.) But she was shocked. She said, “Why would anyone be obsessed with him? That’s a weird person to be obsessed with.”

It hit me that not everyone has to hear his voice at least once a day, in order for the day to feel complete. (True story.)

So, for you, my dear friends, I have compiled the top five Jack White performances/videos that, if you aren’t already, worshipping him as a musician and overall eccentric quirky talented person, you will by the end of the fifth video.

Enjoy.

1. Jack White in It Might Get Loud making a guitar


2. Live performance of Ball and Biscuit


3. Live performance of Jolene


4. Video of Treat Me Like Your Mother


5. Live Performance of Bang, Bang

Top 5 Hot Pieces of 2009

As 2009 comes to end, it's time to reflect. This is my top 5 list of hot pieces of 2009.

James Franco



Why? For going on General Hospital for the fuck of it, working towards his MFA in writing, and putting on a kick ass Christmas show on SNL. –The sexiest episode of the year.

Aziz Ansari



He is hilarious, absolutely adorable, and inspiration for all brown kids that grew up in the Deep South that one day despite what we were told growing up in this area, we, too, can make it big.


Jack White



The dude is a workaholic, but not the kind that shuffles half asleep into the office and puts together shitty work. He delivers every time. Accomplishments of 2009: The Dead Weather, a phenomenal album, and the rockumentary, It Might Get Loud.

Jonathan Rhy-Meyer


Nobody plays King Henry VIII like this mother fucker.

Bill Clinton



Charismatic. Diplomatic. Peace negotiator. The former prez is still mad sexy in sixties.

My Top Five and Why

Here’s my top five of all time (or just right now). Not that you give a shit, but my opinion is valuable and you’re probably not doing anything productive anyway.

1. Keanu Reeves: Just shut your mouth. His face is perfection, which is awesome since sometimes his acting is less than. But honestly, half the time when I watch his movies I hardly even notice that he’s talking. He could be in silent films for the rest of his career and I would see every single one. Let’s try not to be too hard on the dude he provided great performances in: Bill and Ted’s, Matrix, The Lake House, and I Scanner Darkly. Keanu, whatever you do, I will always love you, Whitney Houston style.

2. Jack White: Everything this man touches turns to gold. He’s a musical genius with a work ethic of a medical student, only cooler and less annoying. His eccentric nature only makes him more fascinating. A plus (a HUGE plus) is that a friend of mine saw him in concert when Meg wasn’t suffering from anxiety (poor thing) and Mr. White apparently has a dong down to his knees. I don’t care what that rag, People Magazine, has to say, Jack White is the sexiest man alive.

3. Joaquin Phoenix: I dig the unkempt beard, the sunglasses, and the homeless look. I dig whatever it is Joaquin wants to do. Not only is he a talented actor, but he doesn’t give a fuck. He’s vegan, which would probably be hard to deal with on the daily, but I could work through it. He’s a bit eccentric and gives interesting interviews, but his dark brooding disposition is absolutely magnificent.

4. Adrien Brody: This man is beautiful. If you don’t think so, you probably prefer some country music asshole to be your snuggle bunny. Just google some pictures of the lad and take a look see. (It’s okay. I’ll wait.) He’s tall as shit and as pretty as a tranny. What else do you want? Darjeeling Limited… He was so pretty in that. Fabulous actor, too.

5. Christian Bale: He has a temper. So what? You try walking around all beautiful with a six pack and bulging biceps without stopping every fifteen seconds to look at your perfect self. That would be hard on anyone. Did you see this man in American Psycho? Naked with a chainsaw chasing hookers. I’m in love. Now, he is John Connor? Perfect.

Other notable hotties that I am too lazy to offer explanations:
Joe Jonas (Shut your face. He’s a teenager, but don’t lie to yourself, he’s hawt.)
Zac Efron (Another teenager that I am dying to baby-sit.)
Seth Green (Robot Chicken is awesome.)
Rob Pattison (The Twilight vampire dude)
Shia LaBeouf
Giovanni Ribisi (I’ve been sweet on this mofo since Boiler Room.)
Ryan Phillipe
Jake Gyllenhall (Ryan’s arch enemy)
Topher Grace
Danny Masterson
Harold and Kumar
David Beckham
Gavin Rossdale
Brandon Flowers (Lead singer to Killers)

There are so many others. But we’d be here all day.